Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Pregnancy after 2 miscarriages

After we lost the 2nd baby, my heart was really broken. I remember that Christmas thinking I should have 2 babies and I had none. I was really sad that Christmas, I felt empty.  Christmas is such a fun time and I honestly was looking forward to having a child to celebrate Christmas with and yet, we didn't have any children, I wasn't even pregnant. It was probably the hardest Christmas of my life and yet I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to be sad.  I mentioned something to Jed and he did his best to cheer me up, but he isn't a big holiday person (unless it is 4th of July) and so he was trying, but he really didn't know what to do.  I appreciated his efforts, but I was still sad.  I did my best to be happy, but it was mostly for show.

Then came January and the beginning of a new semester. I was going to make this year a good year, I wasn't going to be sad any more and I was looking forward to graduating that spring.  I was busy and I liked it that way. Then on January 21st I realized that I was a day late.  I debated on taking a pregnancy test because I HATED seeing a negative result. Do you know how many of those "not pregnant" pregnancy tests I have seen. THEY SUCK AND MANY TIMES I CRIED AFTERWARDS!! So I wasn't sure if I was ready for another negative result. Plus it was my mom's birthday and my parents were coming to town to go dancing at a local country music bar and I didn't want my fowl mood to dampen their spirits because God only knew how I would handle another negative result. I finally decided to take one because I wanted to have a few beers while I was at the bar and I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking if I didn't take that darn test. So I took it and it came up POSITIVE!! Holy crap!! I was so freaking excited, but fear instantly set in. But then I told myself this, "I loved my other 2 babies so why not love this one, doesn't he or she deserve at least that?" So I let myself be happy. Jed was out of town that day for work, but would be back later that night. I called him on his way home and I told him the news, I couldn't hold it in. He was so excited and you could hear it in his voice. Then when he came home he gave me the biggest hug, but we decided to not say anything to my parents that night. We wanted to take things slow and wait until we were further along this time. But we were glowing the whole night!

The following Monday I had to go to the doctor's office because I was under strict orders to come into the office once I was pregnant again, so that is what I did.  They took my blood and I remember her coming in and saying that I was in fact pregnant, but that my hormone levels were lower than she would like to see. So I started to prepare myself for the worse. She had me come in every other day to draw blood to keep an eye on my hormone level and once it got to a certain level we could have an ultrasound done. I honestly didn't think that was going to happen, but I was trying to be hopeful. Then on the 3rd day of drawing blood she said that my hormone level was high enough and that we could have an ultrasound. I remember going to that appointment and being scared shitless because I didn't know what we would see. But there it was, a heartbeat and a little bean. I was so stinking happy.  I thought, well we are doing better than my first pregnancy already. We walked out of the office and I was beaming, but Jed was very straight faced.  I remember saying, "well at least there is a heart beat," and he said, "well we have been here before." I could tell he was worried. I don't know if he was more worried for the baby, himself, or me. It had to be hard to be him at that moment. He didn't want to lose the baby any more than I did, but I also knew he didn't want me to be sad either and he didn't want to be sad either. So many emotions that day.

So we took it week by week. And finally around week 10 we started telling people. We had another ultrasound done and everything was looking good. I was taking it REALLY easy, I stopped doing somethings at work because I was worried what ever I did that Friday at work before my second miscarriage caused the whole loss (it wasn't, but I was a little irrational with this pregnancy). I remember telling people we were pregnant and they were happy for us, but you could tell they were thinking the same thing we were. Is this one going to make it?? We had SEVERAL ultrasounds and I went into the doctor's office every 2 weeks instead of every 4 and then at 12 weeks we heard the baby's heart beat with the fetal heart beat monitor. It was a great moment, but then I decided I needed to buy a monitor off of Amazon.  and I liked it but I was never 100% sure if I was using the darn thing right. So I would usually freak myself out and then end up going to the doctor's office and they would find the heart beat for me. They never treated me like a crazy person and they were so nice about it. I was probably in there at least once a week. I would have had an ultrasound once a week if they would have let me, but that wasn't going to happen.

So the whole first trimester and part of the second trimester I was still in school.  I had one more semester left and I would be DONE! So I had a lot to concentrate on, but in the back of my head I kept preparing myself for a loss (by the way, you can't prepare yourself for a loss, you just can't!) So I would keep my excitement to a minimum and I wanted to get past that dreaded 14 week milestone. And we did!! At 15 weeks I could breathe a little easier, but I was still worried. Then at 20 weeks came our gender ultrasound and GRADUATION! All in one week. That week we found out we were having a baby boy!!

Then I had my graduation and my party.  We had so many people show up and I felt so blessed. I remember being that happiest I had been in a LONG time. It felt like things were finally falling into place.

We had so much fun that night.
Let me note that I was the D.D. that night. LOL But I still had a blast, good friends, good food, good music, and A BABY IN OUR FUTURE (hopefully)!! 

I was pretty detached for most of my pregnancy.  I would let myself get excited when I talked to people, but in the back of my head I kept telling myself that this baby wouldn't make it.  I had a first trimester lost and a second trimester loss, so I am sure I am doomed to have a 3rd trimester loss or lose the baby during delivery. I mean we still did the typical stuff most parents do.  We got the baby's room ready and we register for the baby showers and we talked about names, but you could tell the both of us were both pretty reserved about the whole thing.

 Jed was more reserved than I was. But I was the one who could feel the baby move, he couldn't feel that well not until later and even then it seemed like the baby never really moved that much when Jed was around. Jed did great with me though, he was there for every appointment that I asked him to be at (let's be honest ladies, some appointments we don't want them there for) and made it to ALL the ultrasounds. During the last few weeks he even made me dinner so I could rest in the evenings. He rubbed my back every night and just took really good care of me. He really is a GREAT husband and daddy. 
This is me a few weeks before my due date. 

I ended up being induced on the day before R's due date.  The day we went into the hospital I remember thinking, well this is it, I won't be pregnant anymore regardless if we walk out with a baby or not. Isn't that sad?? I mean I was excited about having a baby, but I was also very aware of the idea that we may not have a baby to bring home. I didn't say this to anyone, but it is what I thought.  Even during labor I thought, well this might be the moment when I lose the baby. HORRIBLE, I know!! So when the doctor mentioned having a C-section because the baby wasn't wanting to come out and that his heartbeat wasn't slowing down when it should, I told her that I would be more than happy to have a c-section if that meant I would be holding my baby soon. So that is what we did.  And a half an hour later I was holding my beautiful son. I remember hearing him cry and that being the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I said that about the hearing the heart beat of baby #2, but once you hear that cry, all your dreams really do come true!! 
I will say that I was stinking tired though. He arrived at 2:49 a.m. and I had pushed for several hours before that time. So I was about to pass out, but Jed was so thrilled and he wouldn't leave R's side. When they took R to get cleaned up Jed was so torn between going with R or staying with me while they sewed me back up. I told him to go, I didn't want R to be alone, he needed his daddy. And since that moment Jed has been a GREAT dad. He was more than happy to change R's diapers when I couldn't because I couldn't get out of bed because of the c-section. I will say that I bounced back pretty quickly so there was maybe only 6-8  hours were Jed HAD to change his diapers and then after that I could help out. But he was so stinking happy to change those diapers and anything else that needed to be done with that child. He honestly hasn't changed much.  He doesn't jump for joy when R needs a new diaper now, but he will change them. Jed is really a GREAT father and R is really lucky to have him as a dad. 

After we came home from the hospital (we were there for about 5 days because R had really bad jaundice and needed to be monitored) I got a little depressed and I was scared.  I hate SIDS, it shouldn't exist. I thought for sure that I would go check on R and he wouldn't be breathing and that would be that, another loss. So even after R was here, my heart was still on the defense and wanted me to stay a safe distance from completely loving this child. I KNOW HORRIBLE!! But it was my way of protecting myself. This wasn't the best thing to do because I felt like it kept me from truly bonding with him. It wasn't until he was about 3 months old that I really started to think, "WOW, this is my son and I am a MOM." I let myself think of a future with R. I look back and it makes me sad that I was so distant from him, but I honestly think it was a subconscious thing.  It wasn't like I WANTED to be distant with him, but I was.  I mean I fed, changed, snuggled, played, kissed and hugged him A LOT, but it was like my heart wouldn't completely give into the love that I had for him. It is an odd feeling to try to explain. But I remember one day my heart just let go and I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for him, more so than the moment I heard him cry. And since that moment my love for that child grows each day. It is amazing how much you can love a child. 

So why am I telling you all of this?? Well, this is my story and I want people to know what I went through.  Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because this is REALLY how I felt and I don't want people to run away from how they feel. I also want people to know they can come to me with their happy moments, but also their sad moments. I don't want people who have experienced a miscarriage to feel alone, because they aren't. Some people can't talk about it or don't want to talk about it, but that isn't me. I would gladly talk to anyone about my experiences. And that is why I am telling you this. Postpartum depression is a real thing and it can be hard to deal with along with a newborn, so please feel free to talk to me if you can't talk to anyone else, I HAVE BEEN THERE!! I may not have been through everything you have, but there is a chance I can relate or at least be the shoulder you need to lean on. It is just another part of my journey and it will go with me every where I go. And if I can help just one person then sharing this story is worth it ALL. 

So where does this leave me now?? Well we would like to have another baby. Once again we aren't preventing and nothing has happened, but it will. And if it doesn't, then it isn't part of God's big plans for us. I have R so I can't really complain. I would really like for R to grow up with at least another sibling, but if that isn't in our future then that is okay because God has some other plan for us and R. Will I be nervous if I get pregnant? YOU BET!! But I will do my best to remember that every child I carry deserves my full love and heart. I will do better about giving him/her my full heart and not holding back, but it will be hard. Those sad days don't just disappear and they are apart of me.  

Do I wish I would have never had those miscarriages? Yes and No. The pain (emotional) was pretty horrible and I wish I wouldn't have experienced that, but with those miscarriages came positive things. Jed and I got closer and closer with each one of the miscarriages, we learned A LOT about one another during those times. I learned that I can handle some pretty extreme pain (miscarriage #2 was incredibly painful).  I also learned that my family is ALWAYS there for me. I knew this before, but the support I got from them made all the difference and they really helped me move forward. My mom listened to me cry many time and she cried with me many times and every time she mad me feel a little bit better, I can't thank her enough! It makes me appreciate the miracle of any birth, all babies are a miracle.  I have been able to help other women who have gone through similar experiences. These lessons or reasons may not make up for not having those other two children here in my arms, but like I said in my Abby post, at least I can walk away with some positive thoughts on the whole thing. I love those children just as much as I love R, but they have taught so much more than I could ever imagine and I am thankful for that. 

This will probably be my last post about miscarriage, but if you or anyone else has experienced this and needs someone to talk to please don't hesitate to contact me. I am always happy to talk to someone about this stuff. I think it helps me keep their memory alive and that their short presence in my life worth more than just a bad memory. 

I hope everyone is having a good week and I love all the positive comments I have received. Thank you for sticking with me this week. I know this is a fitness blog, but this is something that I needed to express. Enjoy this awesome weather and if you have a child please give that baby a hug and kiss because they truly are a miracle. They might be a pain in your butt, but they are still a miracle :) 

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