Friday, May 16, 2014

More than just a dog

I thought about NOT writing this post because this is pretty personal.  But I have been in a funk ALL week and I thought maybe this would pull me out of it. Plus when I write a post, you guys get the WHOLE me.  I don't hold back.  I might not cuss as much when I blog, but for the most part you guys get to see the good, the bad, and  the ugly of me. But I think that is why some of us blog.  It is a way to express the "real" us. So this is the real me. And the real me is a big ole cry baby.  Now, if I'm physically hurt, I can suck it up and hang with the toughest. But the emotional crap, I can't handle. I seriously can get all choke up over a facebook post/picture.  I'm pretty sensitive.

So on Monday, I was a complete mess. Last week we decided that Sahara (my dog) had dealt with enough pain and discomfort.  So we called the vet and the only time he could come out to the house was on Monday afternoon.  Which worked out great, but the idea of what was going to happen hung over our head ALL weekend. But it also gave us the whole weekend to spend time with her and spoil her.
Her asking for more spoiling on Monday. Don't mind the messing house, I didn't care about any of that on that day. 

Come monday, I did my best to focus on the things I could control.  I focused on work and I worked until noon that day and then Jed and I both came home. The vet made it out to the house around 3:30 that day, so until then Jed and I did our best to spoil her and snuggle with her as much as possible.  The vet came out and did his thing (which by the way he was super nice and understanding.  At one moment I thought he was going to start tearing up). This was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know some of you are like "It is just a dog, get over it."  But Sahara wasn't just a dog, like I said before she was my best friend, child, sister, confidant, my protector, etc. ALL ROLLED INTO ONE!!! I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She was ALWAYS there for me.  After our miscarriages it was Sahara and Jed that was there to cuddle with me when I got really sad. It was Sahara that I could really let myself cry and sob until there were no more tears left. Or when I was sick, she would always be there to cuddle with me to make me feel better. She always knew when to give me a little nudge as if to say "hey, it will be alright, it always is." When R had colic as a new born, Sahara sat with me during the hard times and would come nudge me at times to say "hey mom, calm down, he will eventually stop crying." Or when I needed to walk out of R's room to take break, Sahara would go into his room and sit by his crib.

  As much, as I think she was annoyed that we had a baby (which took attention away from her) she LOVED him, even before he was born. 

Sahara also saved me one night or saved me from doing something that would haunt me forever.  Jed was out of town for work and I was home alone for a few days. One night, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning to Sahara growling.  As I tried to focus my eyes in the dark, I saw Sahara leap up and stick her head into the blinds and start barking and growling.  I thought she was going to jump through the window.  At the same time, I saw 2 lights flashing through my window. Jed kept a gun by our bed at the time (this was before R was born) and I grabbed it.  It was at that moment I realized that if someone came  through that window that I would have to make a decision.  Deep down, I know what I would have done. But I will never truly know because Sahara scared those 2 people away.  After they left, Sahara was determined to go outside and make sure they were really gone. I didn't want to let her outside but I could tell that NO ONE would be able to relax until she made her rounds. I let her out and she was outside for about 5 minutes and then came back.  She immediately went back to bed, I couldn't sleep at all after that.  But from then on, I knew that Sahara would always do what ever she could to protect me. She is one of those dogs that would attack a bear if any one in our family found ourselves being attacked by a bear.  She was just that protective of us.

Yeah I liked to put hats on her. LOL Doesn't she looked thrilled. But she always humored me.

Sahara also knew I was pregnant before I even had a clue I was pregnant.  She would follow me around EVERY WHERE I went and it got to the point were I would step on her because she would lay down right behind me while I cooked or cleaned.  It was down right annoying.  And then when I got the positive pregnancy test, it hit me that she was still protecting me and my unborn child. She would have followed me to work if she could. She always did what ever she could to protect me.  When I took her to the vet I would have to step outside when ever he could give her a shot because she would snarl at the vet because she thought he would going to stick me with the needle.  As soon as I would step out of the room she would calm down and he could give her a shot without a problems. Silly dog. But I loved her for it.

Yep, she even got to come with us at family photo time

When R was a new born, Sahara would get pretty protective over him too.  When ever someone would come over to visit, she would sit right beside R the whole time. And if they wanted to hold him, she would follow him and sometimes snarl at them.  Her snarl was more of a "Hey, I'm watching you, don't do anything stupid!!! Or you will have to deal with me!"
One of my favorite pics.

Now that I think about what I am writing, you guys probably think my dog was a jerk to other people. But she wasn't.  She was one of the nicest dogs you would ever meet. I could take her to the park and have no issues with her and kids, dogs, or parents.  She loved everyone as long as she didn't think anyone in her family would be hurt. She loved babies.  She would sit right beside them and put her nose on their leg or foot. She just like being beside them. She never nipped at R or any other child.  She would basically let R do WHATEVER he wanted to her.

This one was taken before my half marathon.  She was the only one awake before I left. We had a special moment!! :) 

So see, she isn't just a dog.  She is and always will be a part of my family.  I will hold a special place in my heart for her, ALWAYS. There will never be another Sahara.  I know this. I also realize that my house is STUPID QUIET NOW. I hate coming home at the end of the day because I know Sahara won't be there waiting for us. Or after I put R to bed, she won't be by the couch waiting for her pets and snuggles. At dinner time she would always sit in the living room waiting for her supper, but she would whine from time to time or breathe heavy in anticipation. I miss those whines and heavy breathing. I miss how she would hang out with me in the kitchen while I cleaned and she hoped some kind of crumb would fall on the ground. I basically just miss her.

She was really good at photo bombing pictures too. LOL

So at some point we will get another puppy or dog. I am not sure when that will happen, but I know it will happen when the time is right. There is a part of me that wants a puppy, but another part of me knows that it will not take away the pain of saying good bye to Sahara. The biggest part of me just wants Sahara back. I want Sahara to come back as a puppy and for us to start all over again, but I know that isn't possible.

My friend Kayla came over on mother's day to take these family photos. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THEM! Thank you Kayla, I appreciate it more than you know. 

So there you have it. My post dedicated to Sahara - the best dog I have ever known. I am going to end this post before I start crying because once I start I can't stop. I hope you all have a good weekend. I will have a more positive post next week, or at least I hope I do.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Where have I been??

It has been a while since I have posted anything.  Well things have been crazy busy and things have changed.

First off, I got a new a job. A friend of mine is moving out of state and she strongly advised me to apply for her job, so I did. I wasn't going to because I felt like I owed the company I was currently working for more time since they did hire me when I was unemployed. But after some thinking I thought I would go ahead and apply for it and see what happens.  Well long story short, I took the job.  I am super glad that I did. I was sad to leave some of my friends at the previous place, but I know this was the right choice for me and my family.

Secondly, my precious Sahara (dog) is sick. I wanted to do a WHOLE post on her and what is going on, but I  honestly don't think I have it in me right now. About 6 weeks ago we found out Sahara has bone cancer.  There isn't much we can do about it, but to keep her comfortable. The day they gave us the news was a horrible day. She is my best friend, after my mom of course. But I have given our relationship a lot of thought recently.  And she seriously knows me better than most people do.  She has seen me at my worst and during my most embarrassing moments and she still loves me. She knows when I need her to be by my side, or when to give me space.  I honestly think she is the only one who recognizes that. She is truly one of my best friends and she can't be replaced. The day she passes will be an incredibly hard day for me and my family.

Not only will I miss Sahara, but R will probably be more lost than me. He says that Sahara is his best friend too. Now, he also takes turns calling me, Jed, Random friends from daycare, and cousins his best friend. But I can see the love he has for his dog. He is so sweet with her and she is tolerant of him. LOL I laugh about this because Jed and I always joke that Sahara is jealous of R because she honestly thinks she is human and can't figure out why R gets so much more attention than her.

With all this said, I am mostly worried about R and how he is going to handle the day she passes. He has mentioned death to me over the last couple of days and I don't know who or what taught him about death, but he clearly knows what it means.  I don't know that he knows it means FOREVER. So Jed and I decided that even though we aren't ready for it, we will get R a puppy shortly after Sahara passes.  I know that R will need this, but to be completely honest, I AM NOT READY FOR A PUPPY. I don't want a puppy, I want Sahara to live forever! End of story. But this isn't about what I want. This is what is best for R. It breaks my heart to know that R will soon be in love with another dog that isn't MY best friend. No new puppy will replace the hole in my heart that Sahara's death will leave, but I know that it will help R move forward. And a kid who lives in the country needs a dog to grow up with.  The next dog will be R's and I will mostly be the person who makes sure it is fed and potty trained, but other than that he/she will be R's best friend, not mine. I'm okay with that. Actually I'm perfectly okay with that. I just wish there was something I could do more for Sahara. I hate that she is in pain and that she has realized her body has let her down. STUPID CANCER. Seriously, I hate that it is cancer that is taking her away from me.

So I need to wrap this up, I'm getting tears in my eyes. I will probably do another post on Sahara or maybe I won't.  It might be too hard to write about. Right now I am having a hard time breathing and I know she is sitting at home on our couch. I just wanted to let you all know what has been going on lately and that I haven't fallen off the edge of the world. I'm still here and I'm still trying to go to CrossFit although I have only be 2 times a week for the last couple of weeks. UGH. And my eating has been all over the place, but that is another post.