Friday, May 31, 2013

Where the hell is that PEN?!?!?

So yesterday at work was pretty mellow and then at the end of the day I had to go by the post office to mail a package and this is when my WHOLE afternoon schedule went to hell. I basically forgot to pay our (Davis household, not work) end/beginning of the month bills, you know End of May/Beginning of June. And so I frantically went through my purse and found the bills that needed to be paid. Then I looked around and couldn't find the ONE pen I have in my car.  So I am THAT person in the parking lot of the post office looking around her car like she lost her mind!! I look in my purse, no pen. I look in all the nooks of the car, no pen. OH HELL!! By this time it is 4:20 and I am thinking, Well I am not going to make it to group power today, but I can still make it to the gym for a workout. Still can't find that damn pen!!! So then I remember seeing a pen on the floor in the back seat, so I get out of car and start looking in the back seat, still NO PEN!! CRAP! Finally I get over to the passenger side and go through all the crap that is there (this is my dumping station for ALL random stuff) and there is the magical pen laying on the ground!! YAY!!!  I get back to the front seat and start writing checks and realize that our cell phone bill was due yesterday, FABULOUS! So I put that one off to side and I will pay that one over the phone/Internet, so if you call me today and it doesn't work it is because I forgot to pay the darn bill, LOL. I get the rest of them done and in their envelopes. I run into the post office and mail the package for work which took a little longer than I hoped, but got it all done. Then I look at the time and it is 4:45. What the HELL. There is no way I am going to make it to the gym before I have to pick up R and I still have to go to the bank for work. BOO!!! So I decide to skip the gym! First time in a long time, but the decision needed to be made :( But I got a couple other errands ran before I picked R up from daycare and so it didn't feel like the whole afternoon was a loss. 

It was really bugging me that I didn't make it to the gym yesterday and it kept nagging at me all evening. I was trying to tell myself that it is okay and I will go on Friday (today) and then either Saturday or Sunday, no big deal. But the chances of me going on the weekend are slim. Enter me with a frowny face. So I make dinner and go on with my evening. Then as I am giving R a bath I realized I had this AWESOME thing down in my basement, P90X!! Boo ya!!! I will do P90x today. Then I get excited (Enter Jessica's smiley face) and try to figure out which DVD I am going to do, I mean I can DO ANY ONE OF THEM!!! (Yes it is the little things in life that make this girl happy!!) 

So after R is asleep I get out the book that holds all the DVDs and I am trying to figure out which one I want to do.  I didn't want to do anything that required a pull-up bar because I would need my husband to install it for me and I didn't want to ask him to put that up for me (Jed hurt his back the other day, don't worry he is fine, maybe at the end I will tell that story!) So I had decided on one of the beginning ones and then I thought no, what is the part of me that is the weakest? Well that is my triceps. So I pulled that disc out and started her up. 
So I get started and then I realize this is the Disc with all the STUPID push-ups. F%ck ME!! So he starts off with some easy ones and then as you move along they do get harder. I found myself able to do MORE and do them with better FORM!! So I am doing something right. And the most AMAZING thing happened, I was able to do about 7 clap push-ups. You know where you do a push-up and then at the top you clap without falling on your face. I think before I MIGHT have only done ONE of those correctly.  But HOLY COW, I did 7 of those suckers last night. I am still freaking proud of myself today!! So now looking back at the whole experience, I am so glad I couldn't find that stupid pen.  I had I found that pen I would NOT have done P90X last night and I would NOT have seen the progress I have made since going to the gym. With all this being said, I do think I am going to add P90X to my weekly schedule. I would like to do 1 disc a week. One it keeps things different and it is fun to see my progress. Oh and the fact that my arms are sore today (darn you Tony Horton) means it was still a GREAT workout. 

Once again, this got a little long and windy. But even if you can't make it to the gym, there are still things you can do at home. And I know for a fact that A LOT of P90x routines are on Youtube, so if you don't have a homework out disc, then look something up on youtube.  Just keep moving!!! I didn't get as much house work done as I wanted, but I did get a load of laundry done, folks it is the small things that keep the Davis household up and running :)  But the one thing that didn't get messed up last night was my eating. I ate a turkey burger (4 oz) with some corn and watermelon. Last night was the first time I had turkey in patty form and let me tell you this, I LOVED IT!!  Turkey, where have you been all my life?? And why am I surprised every time I eat it that I end up loving it. I added Worcestershire sauce and some pepper. Another smart thing that I did last night was make 4 patties and so this weekend I will have something EASY and yummy to eat. I pretty much set myself up for SUCCESS!! Boo YA! 

Also, I will let you in on a little secret. I am going to take some updated photos. Well to be honest I took some last night and I can tell a difference!!! BOO YA!! but the photos don't look that great and my room is a disaster so I am going to work on that this weekend and hopefully have some before and not-so after pictures for ya!! Enter EXCITED Jessica face!!

I am hoping you guys don't mind pics of my kid because look at that face, he is too cute to NOT share. 

you might be a redneck if you are turkey hunting from your house. LOL This has been R's newest thing, he likes to use binoculars. We were using them the other day because we saw a turkey on our land and then he crossed the road to the other field and we were trying to track him. R of course that this was incredibly fascinating. So now he just likes to look for stuff through binoculars and get excited when he sees a bird, flower, or something that moves in the wind!! LOL

Well folks that is all I have for you today. I will tell you how Jed hurt his back next week. Maybe I should ask him for his permission first and then tell the story. NAH!! LOL Have a good weekend. The weather should be nice in the KS area so hopefully we will be able to track turkeys from outside our living room!! 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Just like the Karate kid

So I took a Group Kick class at the gym yesterday and I was pretty much the best one in there.

You know... there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo-staff - Napoleon Dynamite 

So I pretty much rocked the class, I looked like this:

I really think they should pay me to take this class because I made it look so EASY!! hahahahaha!!!! Okay, I looked like a very uncoordinated giraffe. Ughhhhh, it was not pretty folks. But with that said I will go back. Everyone has to start somewhere. There are VERY few people who can walk into a class (of any kind) and look like a pro. The instructor was really nice and energetic which made it easy to get into the class. Plus once again, people aren't looking at you, they are worried about what the hell they are doing.  But I will confess that I felt like ALL of the instructor's instructions or tips were meant for me because I was effing up the moves.  I confessed this to my friend afterwards and she said she felt the SAME WAY! So it wasn't just me!!! 

My point of this story, whether you are starting to run, kick box, lift weights, swim, etc, you are going to look like an uncoordinated giraffe. That is OKAY!! NO ONE CARES!!! Seriously, most people are too busy concentrating on what they are doing to give a rats ass about what you are doing. Yeah you might get some glances, but they are probably checking you out ;)  or they are saying "hey look at this girl, this is her first time trying (insert whatever it is you are doing) and she looks like I did when I first did (insert same word)." No one at the gym expects you to be a pro your first go around, they are just glad you are moving your butt. This has been my motto lately, "GET YOUR ASS UP AND MOVE!!" Not only at the gym, but at home too. Now that the weather has been decent (except the last few days with tornadoes and such) we have not been watching TV at all in the evenings. So my evening looks like this now:
Get home
Make Dinner
Eat Dinner (We do sit for this!!)
Clean up Dinner
Bath time (R)
Put R to bed
Then it is time to get moving...

I clean the house or do something where I am moving. No more sitting on the couch to watch TV. Instead of breaking up with the scale, I think I am going to break up with the TV. There really isn't anything good one right now (Walking Dead won't start until Octoberish and Grey's won't be back on until this fall as well) So I am doing my best to stay active at night too. I am sure I will fall off of this wagon as well, but that is okay because I am NOT perfect. I am sure I will spend the night watching some STUPID show for a couple of hours, but that is okay as long as I don't do that every night. Life is too short to spend it in front of the TV. Plus before I started P90X I was cleaning my house on a regular basis during the week so on the weekends I could spend the WHOLE weekend playing with R or making something fun, I want to get back to that. I hate spending the whole weekend playing catch up for the things I didn't have time to do during the week.  Weekends should be for fun things, not chores. I get that not EVERY weekend is going to be a fun packed mini vacation, but I also don't want to feel screwed when I didn't get anything done at home. You know what I am talking about, you have things schedule during the weekend so you don't have ANY time to do any chores and then Sunday night you feel like crap because your house looks like crap! Well I am done with that feeling. I have things I want to get done and well gosh darn it, I am doing to do those things!

WOW, what a novel. Sorry! But I hope you feel like you can try something new now. I don't care if it is at the gym or a cooking class. Try something new!! You might like it. 
See he tried something new and look what happened. 

Sorry, we read this to R to try to get him to try new foods. But I think it still applies to adults too. Give something a try and if you don't like it then you don't have to do it again. For me I will do Group kick again and who knows in a couple of months they may ask me to teach the class!! YEAH RIGHT!!! But I will look better than I did the first time. GOOD BYE UNCOORDINATED GIRAFFE, well until I try something else. :) 

Have a good day and if you live in the mid-west please be aware of the weather, it is looking a little iffy out there. These tornadoes really seem to have it out for us this year!! Be safe my friends.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I freaking fell off the Wagon!!

Man, What a weekend!! Did ya'll have a GREAT weekend?? Mine was pretty darn good, no complaints here. 

Friday I went home from the gym and got myself ready because we decided we would try the new restaurant in town that is suppose to be like Chipotle.  I tried dried shampoo for the first time, that was exciting (do you like to try new things like that, I get all sorts of excited to try new hair products and make up!!).  The shampoo was good, the restaurant was mediocre. I had a burrito bowl instead of a burrito, but I did end up having rice in my bowl. I REALLY did think about having a salad, but the rice looked so yummy. I will say I will give it a try again, but I am really hoping it is better next time. The meat in my burrito bowl really needed to be warmer and their salsa needs to have more spice and then this girl will be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

Why doesn't he ever look happy happy happy?? LOL

On Saturday morning R and I went into town and did some shopping. We had to get a gift for his cousin which meant going to the K-state store, which is one of MY FAVORITE STORES!!! Okay folks, I graduated from K-State, so it is perfectly normal for me to get giddy when I am in there. I actually did a good job of containing myself though, I got a shirt for my nephew and 2 tippy cups (one for R and one for my nephew). Then we ran to target and Wal-mart. I did all of this with a 2 1/2 year old, I think I deserve freaking mother of the year award. 
He enjoyed this ride for about 5 second and then realized it wasn't going any where. Country living is definitely making things like this a little dull. But he still had to ride the darn thing, sigh. 

So instead of getting a mother of the year award, I came home and ate lunch, put R down for a nap and enjoyed a few of these. 

cleaning the house is much easier when you have had 2 or more of these!! LOL 

That night we had some friends over and that was really nice.  It was relaxing and we proceeded to enjoy more brewskies. My husband decided to take a 3-wheeler chopper ride with his friend.
So this pic is from the sand dunes, but he pretty much looked the same when he is riding it at our house!! LOL 

So needless to say he had a good time!! On Saturday I ate pretty good. I didn't really cheat except for the tiny spoonful of pasta salad and of course the brewskies. But come on, it is the weekend!! So I thought I was doing good (on the whole eating healthy business) and then Sunday came and we went to Omaha.  We ate lunch while we were traveling and that wasn't the healthiest meal, I had a beer rock and some french fries (whoops). Then we had dinner at my sister and brother-in-laws and I had a hamburger with a bun (whoops) and tator tots (double whoops), but then came desert and I had 2 pieces of cake (Holy crap, I officially fell off the wagon ) and I continued my brewsky drinking that night as well. Then Monday morning came and I continued to stay off the wagon with my bacon, sausage, and cinnamon roll. Lunch we went to Chick-fil-A and that was pretty darn good, I haven't eaten there in FOREVER. So yes I did enjoy my chicken sandwich and waffle fries.  Once we got back from Omaha we had dinner and yes I could have jump back on the wagon and done better, but this girl (my inner fat girl) was stubborn and I ate a hot dog with a bun and some more pasta. Yeah, I think I was in a carb coma afterwards. But you know what, I don't feel that bad about it. This morning I ate my oatmeal on the way to work and I am getting ready to eat my yogurt. I am excited about the week ahead and I am NOT going to fret about the weekend. I know that it is hard to eat healthy while traveling and I am going to chop it up to that. End of story. 

After Dinner we all went into the barn and R helped Jed with some of his chores.

Those two are seriously the 2 cutest guys ever!! They make me smile so much! 

So the weekend was a pretty darn good one. I didn't run the 5K, my shins are shot and I am going to give them a rest.  That doesn't mean I am going to stop working out, it just means that I am not going to run for a while.  There is a 5K in Great Bend that I might try to sign up for on June 15th, but even that might be too soon. I not going to fret about running either. I was starting to get really down about not being able to run, but you know what, WHO CARES!!! I am still going to the gym, I am still losing weight, and I am still accomplishing my goals. My running days aren't over, they are just on hold. 

So that is my weekend, how was yours?? Did you eat healthy?? Did you work out (I am kinda wishing I did!!)?? 

Oh yeah, I did buy some new workout tank tops at Old Navy, this is what they look like:

they were on sale and they might still be!!.

I love getting new work out gear because it gives me a little bit more motivation.  What is your FAVORITE workout gear?? Seriously, I want to know.  Maybe I am missing out on something. 

Have a good week!! I am so glad it will be a short one, we are looking forward to staying home this weekend. As of right now, WE HAVE NO PLANS. This is unusual for us, so we are looking forward to it!! 

Friday, May 24, 2013

I did it! I did it!

I did it! I did it! That is what R says when he just got done using the potty or when he buckles his own belt in his car seat. He basically says it when he is proud to have done something. Well I am stealing it from him. Because I did it!! I lost more weight. Today I got to see this on the scale

Okay so I made it look a little fancy. My scale doesn't look like that, but I having been playing with one of my apps (Beautiful Mess). So I think that means I lost 1.6 pounds since MONDAY!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! 
I may or may not have look like this after I weighed in this morning (minus the whole boy look)!! LOL Can you imagine what I will do when I get below 150!! 

So I think I deserve to say "I did it! I did it!" The whole NO starchy carbs at night seems to be working. I can taste the 160's! Plus ALL my clothes fit so much better or are too big. That is such a good feeling. I actually look forward to getting dressed. I still have a LONG way to go, but it feels good to know that I am back on track.

So in my last post I talked about NOT having toast for breakfast and I have given that up.  Instead of toast I eat oatmeal.  And I have made that travel friendly, see below. 
See I put it in a mug and I eat it on my way to work. I have about 7 miles of high way driving and this seems to work for me. And it is yummy. 
This is the oat meal that I am eating these days.  It isn't the sweetest oatmeal out there, in fact the Quaker Oatmeal is sweeter and a little yummier, but this is healthier and is pretty good for a healthy option.  Plus I am NOT a big breakfast person, so really it doesn't matter to me if it isn't the most delicious meal of the day. I am not hungry in the morning so I have to force myself to eat breakfast and as long as it doesn't taste like a shoe or dirt I am doing good. But this taste much better than a shoe or dirt and they have other flavors.  I tried the cinnamon roll flavor too and that seems to be a little sweeter so I may go back to that after I run out of the Maple and Brown Sugar. 

Also I have been to the gym for the last 4 days and I have my gym bag with me today. I also learned that if you have some good music to listen to, then working out by yourself isn't so bad. On Wednesday and Fridays I lift weights with the big boys and the first time I forgot my head phones and I found myself rushing through my work out and just trying to get done. But this last Wednesday I made sure I was able to listen to my tunes and that REALLY helped. It made a HUGE difference. Don't laugh at me, but when "You Can Do It" by Ice Cube came on I found a little extra umph. I am all gangsta dancing in the gym.  LOL It is very entertaining for the other people!!  So I am looking forward to my workout tonight (I may have to take a hip hop dance class so I don't make such a fool of myself!!). Next week I will be more specific at what I am doing at the gym (other than dancing!). 

So there is a 5K tomorrow and I have decided to NOT run in it. WHY???I tried to run last night with my old running partner (my dog, Sahara) and I immediately could feel the pain in my right shin. So that means no running this weekend. I am pretty bummed about it, but I know it is for the best in the long run. There is another 5K in Great Bend on June 15th and I would really like to run in that. So maybe if I rest until then I will be able to make it to that one. I am keeping my fingers crossed!! 

I hope you guys have a GREAT Memorial Day weekend. I probably won't do a post on Monday, we will be out of town. My goal is to continue with my meal plans over the weekend and I have a feeling that it might get a little harder, but I really want to push into the 160's next week. And I am completely serious when I say, if you have ANY non-carb recipes to send them my way. It is harder than I thought, but I am pretty determined to make this work! 

Have a great weekend Folks!! If you have fallen off the wagon, just jump back on it! Don't look at the butt print that you left when you fell off, just look ahead of where that wagon is heading! 

So I thought this one was cute. I had to put it on here. Sahara looks at me that way and then I tell her to take her own advice!! LOL  and Yes I have in depth conversations with my dog, you don't?!?!? Strange!

Adios amigos!! 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

comfort zones

Okay, So I have talked about how I am not scared of trying a new workout class or a new gym because honestly I don't care what other people think of me at a gym and this still holds true. But what I am finding out is that I am having a harder time changing my diet and following someone else's directions. It is a little overwhelming, but it needs to be done. I talked to a personal trainer at the new gym and she basically laid everything out for me and here it is.

And then here is the approved foods:

This all seemed pretty easy except for my meal 5 which is NO starchy carbs.  I did not realize how many dinners I have made that required starchy carbs so I feel like I am going back to the drawing board for dinner ideas. Which is frustrating. People I don't like to cook. I am completely serious when I say that I DISLIKE cooking.  The only reason I cook is because I don't want my 2 1/2 year old to grow up on fast food. To this day he doesn't know what McDonalds is. You can say we are going to McDonalds and he looks at you like, "ummm yeah okay, what is McDonalds."  I hope it stays that way too!! We go there when we are traveling and that is about it. R and Jed is the reason I cook. So when I have to start from scratch it made me a little grumpy. So I e-mailed the trainer my meals for yesterday and this is what I got.

My honest thoughts and corrections below in red...
Breakfast:1 piece of toast with 2 egg whites and turkey sausage. (the eggs and sausage are left overs from the night before, so it was probably only one egg white but I am not sure)
TRY TRY TRY to stay away from toast.  I know it's typical american, but that's the reason for the high obesity rate.  Milk and Bread= Fat Americans.  Try Oatmeal or a LOW SUGAR cereal like Kashi brand. AND for protein... 2 whole eggs (hard boild or scrambled)

Snack: yogurt (perfect if it's low sugar grams and 6 oz)

Lunch: santa fe chicken salad from McDonalds (tried some of the Justin's almond butter and chocolate hazelnut I probably have over a pack left of each) No Almond butter here... add a banana or apple to the side of this for lunch and us a basalmic dressing (Nothing creamy)

Snack: protein shake (No more that 150 calories allowed for this shake) and have your almond butter and celergy or carrot sticks here

Dinner: one whole egg with rotel, peas, 2 turkey sausage links,  Acceptable!  I like that you stayed away from the carbs for the evening meals, HOWEVER... YOU NEED MORE GREEN Fiberous veggies in your diet.  Try chicken, fish, turkey, lean ground beef with asparagus, broc, peas, green beans, stir fry made with fresh peppers, onions, mushrooms.  Another easy idea for grilling (now that its summer) are Kabobs!  You can put chicken or lean beef on a stick and add all types of veggies...
My goal is to get you and your family to transition from the typical American diet where we think we need potatoes and bread at each meal.  Learn to embrace the veggies and experiment with a variety of foods.  You can't ever do it wrong if your trying new things and explain to your family why this is important to you as a "FitMom" to learn how to eat healthy!  Your taking care of YOU so that you can GIVE to them.  No one can help others unless they help themselves first.  So if you need recipe ideas or a variety of ways to cook... be honest and let me know! I have your back 100%! I'm here to help where I can.  And if you want recipes, send me back a brief list of things your family are allergic to so I don't include those for recipes...  I have everything from healthy cookies, chocolate protein bars, pancakes and more that taste fabulous.  Also, I have a 25% off coupon you can have so when it comes to protein shakes, your can get a discount at Complete Nutrition.  You don't HAVE to use it, but I'll give it to you so you can check the proteins out and save money.  I want you consuming WHEY protein  instead of soy or casein based protein.  It's the most natural and healthy for the body to digest.  Let me know any more questions or thougths!

my meals are in black and her comments are in red. 

Yeah that is a lot RED!! But she is sweet and is honestly being helpful. I have only counted calories before so this is ALL new to me. I have not responded to this e-mail yet, but I will this afternoon. And I guess I will stay away from toast which is I don't always have for breakfast, but it is fast and easy and good to take with me when I running behind in the morning. So I might actually have to do some meal prep on the weekend. Who the HELL am I turning into?? I try to make a menu each week, but I have NEVER done meal prep, but I am thinking that is where I am heading at least for my breakfast meals. We are running so far behind in the morning that I do NOT have time to cook up an egg. 

On the positive note, I didn't completely fail. I am making progress and that is what my journey is about, progress. I also found some yummy new food. 

I found this at our local Dillons in the health food isle, you know by all the granola bars/protein bars. It is on the very bottom shelf and was hard to find, but worth finding. This is going to be similar to peanut butter, but healthier for you. You can get it in a jar, but our Dillons didn't have it. I have seem this item on other blogs, but until yesterday have not had a chance to try it. It is pretty darn yummy in my book. 

Also, I am IN LOVE WITH TURKEY!! If you read through what I ate yesterday you will see that I ate turkey sausage in 2 different forms yesterday and it was way better than regular sausage.  I can say that because I really like regular sausage, but turkey sausage is the same without ALL the grease.  Now some of you may say you like the grease, but I promise you once you try the Turkey you will realize you don't like the grease, you like the taste of meat!! 

made this last night and neither boy realized they were turkey until have they complimented me on dinner did I tell them I used turkey sausage :) 
I used this with my scrambled egg whites. and once again the boys didn't even notice it was turkey sausage, so it is boy approved :) 

So I am feeling pretty good about everything. My work out routine during the week is pretty good and challenging and now my food intake should get a lot better. I think the I am on my way to a more healthier Jessica and I am pretty darn excited for that. If you have any LOW/NO carb recipes please let me know. I am trying really hard to follow this meal plan and I am going to need help!! 

Also, the personal Trainer that I am working with has LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT!! She isn't some skinny gal that has ALWAYS been skinny and is yelling at me to lose weight.  Nope, she has been in the same boat as me and is super sweet. I really enjoy working with her. I think I am going to ask her to do a guest post on this blog or an interview, what do you guys think?  Would you be interested in hearing someone else's story?  I am telling you, you will fall in love with her!! 

Have a good week folks and keep moving!! 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Someone got a bloglift

Follow my blog with Bloglovin HOLY MOLEY look at this place!! Doesn't it look great!! I was never a big fan of how my blog looked before, but look at her now. I read a few blogs every morning and one of them is Hubby Jack's blog and he does blog designs for people who use blogger, if you use wordpress I hear that he is currently learning how to design those as well. If you want your blog to be pimped, go stop by HJ's blog Here. If you want to laugh then you should visit his page as well. He just makes me laugh. He is also married to another blogger that I read regularly, her name is Holly and as far as I can tell she is one of the nicest bloggers out there, go visit her Here. Through my blog I have met some pretty awesome people. Some of them have been new readers and others have been bloggers.  I am still relatively new to the blogging world, but to be honest from what I have seen up to this point has all been good stuff.  There are some people out there that want to be negative and all judgy, but who has time for those people.  It mostly bothers me when they are mean to some of my favorite bloggers because a lot of them are just trying to help people. I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY CRITICISM for my blog. Up to this point all of you readers have been awesome. THANK YOU!!  Okay, I will stop being all mushy.

This weekend we went to the sand dunes and had a blast.  This was the second time we took R, the first time was right after his 1st birthday and let's say I won't be taking another 1 year old to the Sand Dunes. This time, R was great.  It took him a little bit to understand the boundaries there, but once he got that down he did pretty good.

This was one of the only times that they played inside, most of the time him and his friends were outside running around or riding. 

we stopped to take a break, he loved playing in the BIG sand box. (this one didn't have cats "treats" in it)

I never could get ALL three of them to look at me at the same time. Oh well. 

R taking a drink out of Dad's camelbak (a book bag with a water bladder in it, for those people who don't know what a camelbak is)
Then he decided he should just wear it. He is just too cute sometimes. 
R and his buddy at the bottom of one of the sand dunes.
He decided that we needed to bring some of the sand home. He is putting sand on the floor board of the RZR. He loved that thing. 

We all had a GREAT time there.  We owe a big thanks to our friend Matt and Kayla for letting us borrow their motor home and trailer.  The motor home made it much easier to take R with us. We really needed this trip.  I got to ride my 3-wheeler this weekend and I haven't done that in a LONG time and it was a BLAST. Jed and I decided that really all we need is a RZR, 3-wheeler, and a dirt bike from here on out. Jed had a BLAST on his new (new to him) dirt bike, he rekindled his love for jumping again. I never did get a pic of that, but for not riding a dirt bike in a long time, the kid still has some skills. :) As for me, that 3-wheeler will always have a special place in my heart, it was the first ATV that I learned to ride on it and to be honest I would rather ride that 3-wheeler than any 4-wheeler out there. R only rode in the RZR, but one day he will have his own toys out there and until then he is stuck in the RZR, but he isn't complaining. 

On a very positive note, I got on the scale today and I am down to 171.8 and let me tell you people I am freaking happy about that. I haven't been able to get below 172 in a LONG time, in fact I was seeing a lot of 174's and 175's, which was NOT making me happy. I have also been having some problems with my shins, but I am hoping after resting my legs all weekend that I might be able to run again this week, but I may seriously have to go to the doctor and have him look at them, they hurt even when I am not running now. No bueno. I have a 5K this weekend and I am hoping to run it with R in the jogging stroller, but we will see, I might be walking that 5K which will make me really sad. But I also don't want to permanently damage my legs either. 

I hope you all had a GREAT weekend.  Also, I have not had time to add anything to my tabs on the top of my page so if you go check them out you might be disappointed because I haven't had a chance to put anything in there yet, but I will try to get that done this week. Have a good week folks!! 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I am a Goober

Alright, Let's take it down a notch and get rid of the tissues.

The word goober is a GREAT way to explain my personality. I am a Goober. I totally am. And why am I telling you this, well........ Let me tell you a little story from this morning.

I woke up this morning and put this on
look at that sexy hair. I am trying to grow it out and well it isn't going that smoothly today. Seriously after looking at this pic I may need to call the salon. 

You know the basic polo shirt with a white shirt underneath it. I have done this a million times and I have worn that white shirt about a million and one times.  I get to work today and I feel so claustrophobic in this shirt.  I mean I am going CRAZY! So I start to think, well maybe I gained weight. Nope, my pants feel the same and my arms actually fit better in this shirt. Well shit, that isn't it then.  Well maybe I am having some kind of subconscious crap going on in my head.  So I start thinking about everything and if I am stressed about anything.  Nope, not really. We are going to the sand dunes this weekend, but I am really excited about that so that can't be it. Well crap, what the hell is wrong with me.  At this point I am starting to stress out about the fact that I can't figure this out. And I still feel claustrophobic in this damn shirt. Later in the morning I go to the bathroom to use the ladies room and when I am washing my hands I look up in the mirror and see something funky on my white shirt.  So I lean in to see what it is and guess what it is..................................

Yeah I had my shirt on backwards. Folks I would like to say this is the first time I have done this, but to be honest I have done this several times. But that isn't what got me to thinking about how gooberish I am. It is the fact that I spent so much of my morning trying to think of why my subconscious was making me feel claustrophobic. I literally thought I might be going crazy! So this post is dedicated to my gooberness.  ENJOY!! 
yeah I am trying to dance (remember Elaine from Seinfeld, well I am not far from it!!)

I take random pics of me drinking my green smoothie. YUM!!
I went to Buffalo Wild Wings looking like this. I bet they were scared when I walked in.
I am proud to be apart of this family and a redneck. LOL
This picture doesn't do it justice, but seriously I looked like a Rodeo clown. 
I still find this clip funny as shit, it still makes me LOL. Okay I am laughing as I write this. 

I enjoy a good bonfire. And to be honest, I don't think we will ever own a fancy fire ring/pit so this is as classy as it gets for us. And I'm okay with that. 
This is me right after my first 3 mile run. Yeah I took this pic and then I put it on the Internet. You are welcome for the laughs. 

So what is the point of this post.  Well, I am a goober and I am proud of it. And I was trying to think of another word that could describe me and really this just about nails it. Dork might be a good one too, but I think I might be a little funnier than a dork. And then I thought Nerd, but that implies that I am incredibly smart and well, that isn't very accurate. I am not saying I am a dummy, but nerd is just being too nice. So Goober it is. 

This is going to be my last post for the week. I didn't want to leave the week with something so serious, that just isn't me, hence the Goober part of me again. You guys just don't know what you are going to get from me, do ya?? I bet husband feels the same way, one day he has a lovely wife and the next day the wicked witch shows up. That is how I roll folks. We are heading to the Sand Dunes tomorrow morning to be all redneckish and I won't be around to do a post. I hope you all enjoy your weekend and let some of your inner Goober out, seriously it feels good. But not too much, we can't have too many goobers running around because then I really have nothing to offer society. 
PEACE! Yeah this is as gangster as I get. LOL I thought this one was pretty darn funny actually. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Pregnancy after 2 miscarriages

After we lost the 2nd baby, my heart was really broken. I remember that Christmas thinking I should have 2 babies and I had none. I was really sad that Christmas, I felt empty.  Christmas is such a fun time and I honestly was looking forward to having a child to celebrate Christmas with and yet, we didn't have any children, I wasn't even pregnant. It was probably the hardest Christmas of my life and yet I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to be sad.  I mentioned something to Jed and he did his best to cheer me up, but he isn't a big holiday person (unless it is 4th of July) and so he was trying, but he really didn't know what to do.  I appreciated his efforts, but I was still sad.  I did my best to be happy, but it was mostly for show.

Then came January and the beginning of a new semester. I was going to make this year a good year, I wasn't going to be sad any more and I was looking forward to graduating that spring.  I was busy and I liked it that way. Then on January 21st I realized that I was a day late.  I debated on taking a pregnancy test because I HATED seeing a negative result. Do you know how many of those "not pregnant" pregnancy tests I have seen. THEY SUCK AND MANY TIMES I CRIED AFTERWARDS!! So I wasn't sure if I was ready for another negative result. Plus it was my mom's birthday and my parents were coming to town to go dancing at a local country music bar and I didn't want my fowl mood to dampen their spirits because God only knew how I would handle another negative result. I finally decided to take one because I wanted to have a few beers while I was at the bar and I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking if I didn't take that darn test. So I took it and it came up POSITIVE!! Holy crap!! I was so freaking excited, but fear instantly set in. But then I told myself this, "I loved my other 2 babies so why not love this one, doesn't he or she deserve at least that?" So I let myself be happy. Jed was out of town that day for work, but would be back later that night. I called him on his way home and I told him the news, I couldn't hold it in. He was so excited and you could hear it in his voice. Then when he came home he gave me the biggest hug, but we decided to not say anything to my parents that night. We wanted to take things slow and wait until we were further along this time. But we were glowing the whole night!

The following Monday I had to go to the doctor's office because I was under strict orders to come into the office once I was pregnant again, so that is what I did.  They took my blood and I remember her coming in and saying that I was in fact pregnant, but that my hormone levels were lower than she would like to see. So I started to prepare myself for the worse. She had me come in every other day to draw blood to keep an eye on my hormone level and once it got to a certain level we could have an ultrasound done. I honestly didn't think that was going to happen, but I was trying to be hopeful. Then on the 3rd day of drawing blood she said that my hormone level was high enough and that we could have an ultrasound. I remember going to that appointment and being scared shitless because I didn't know what we would see. But there it was, a heartbeat and a little bean. I was so stinking happy.  I thought, well we are doing better than my first pregnancy already. We walked out of the office and I was beaming, but Jed was very straight faced.  I remember saying, "well at least there is a heart beat," and he said, "well we have been here before." I could tell he was worried. I don't know if he was more worried for the baby, himself, or me. It had to be hard to be him at that moment. He didn't want to lose the baby any more than I did, but I also knew he didn't want me to be sad either and he didn't want to be sad either. So many emotions that day.

So we took it week by week. And finally around week 10 we started telling people. We had another ultrasound done and everything was looking good. I was taking it REALLY easy, I stopped doing somethings at work because I was worried what ever I did that Friday at work before my second miscarriage caused the whole loss (it wasn't, but I was a little irrational with this pregnancy). I remember telling people we were pregnant and they were happy for us, but you could tell they were thinking the same thing we were. Is this one going to make it?? We had SEVERAL ultrasounds and I went into the doctor's office every 2 weeks instead of every 4 and then at 12 weeks we heard the baby's heart beat with the fetal heart beat monitor. It was a great moment, but then I decided I needed to buy a monitor off of Amazon.  and I liked it but I was never 100% sure if I was using the darn thing right. So I would usually freak myself out and then end up going to the doctor's office and they would find the heart beat for me. They never treated me like a crazy person and they were so nice about it. I was probably in there at least once a week. I would have had an ultrasound once a week if they would have let me, but that wasn't going to happen.

So the whole first trimester and part of the second trimester I was still in school.  I had one more semester left and I would be DONE! So I had a lot to concentrate on, but in the back of my head I kept preparing myself for a loss (by the way, you can't prepare yourself for a loss, you just can't!) So I would keep my excitement to a minimum and I wanted to get past that dreaded 14 week milestone. And we did!! At 15 weeks I could breathe a little easier, but I was still worried. Then at 20 weeks came our gender ultrasound and GRADUATION! All in one week. That week we found out we were having a baby boy!!

Then I had my graduation and my party.  We had so many people show up and I felt so blessed. I remember being that happiest I had been in a LONG time. It felt like things were finally falling into place.

We had so much fun that night.
Let me note that I was the D.D. that night. LOL But I still had a blast, good friends, good food, good music, and A BABY IN OUR FUTURE (hopefully)!! 

I was pretty detached for most of my pregnancy.  I would let myself get excited when I talked to people, but in the back of my head I kept telling myself that this baby wouldn't make it.  I had a first trimester lost and a second trimester loss, so I am sure I am doomed to have a 3rd trimester loss or lose the baby during delivery. I mean we still did the typical stuff most parents do.  We got the baby's room ready and we register for the baby showers and we talked about names, but you could tell the both of us were both pretty reserved about the whole thing.

 Jed was more reserved than I was. But I was the one who could feel the baby move, he couldn't feel that well not until later and even then it seemed like the baby never really moved that much when Jed was around. Jed did great with me though, he was there for every appointment that I asked him to be at (let's be honest ladies, some appointments we don't want them there for) and made it to ALL the ultrasounds. During the last few weeks he even made me dinner so I could rest in the evenings. He rubbed my back every night and just took really good care of me. He really is a GREAT husband and daddy. 
This is me a few weeks before my due date. 

I ended up being induced on the day before R's due date.  The day we went into the hospital I remember thinking, well this is it, I won't be pregnant anymore regardless if we walk out with a baby or not. Isn't that sad?? I mean I was excited about having a baby, but I was also very aware of the idea that we may not have a baby to bring home. I didn't say this to anyone, but it is what I thought.  Even during labor I thought, well this might be the moment when I lose the baby. HORRIBLE, I know!! So when the doctor mentioned having a C-section because the baby wasn't wanting to come out and that his heartbeat wasn't slowing down when it should, I told her that I would be more than happy to have a c-section if that meant I would be holding my baby soon. So that is what we did.  And a half an hour later I was holding my beautiful son. I remember hearing him cry and that being the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I said that about the hearing the heart beat of baby #2, but once you hear that cry, all your dreams really do come true!! 
I will say that I was stinking tired though. He arrived at 2:49 a.m. and I had pushed for several hours before that time. So I was about to pass out, but Jed was so thrilled and he wouldn't leave R's side. When they took R to get cleaned up Jed was so torn between going with R or staying with me while they sewed me back up. I told him to go, I didn't want R to be alone, he needed his daddy. And since that moment Jed has been a GREAT dad. He was more than happy to change R's diapers when I couldn't because I couldn't get out of bed because of the c-section. I will say that I bounced back pretty quickly so there was maybe only 6-8  hours were Jed HAD to change his diapers and then after that I could help out. But he was so stinking happy to change those diapers and anything else that needed to be done with that child. He honestly hasn't changed much.  He doesn't jump for joy when R needs a new diaper now, but he will change them. Jed is really a GREAT father and R is really lucky to have him as a dad. 

After we came home from the hospital (we were there for about 5 days because R had really bad jaundice and needed to be monitored) I got a little depressed and I was scared.  I hate SIDS, it shouldn't exist. I thought for sure that I would go check on R and he wouldn't be breathing and that would be that, another loss. So even after R was here, my heart was still on the defense and wanted me to stay a safe distance from completely loving this child. I KNOW HORRIBLE!! But it was my way of protecting myself. This wasn't the best thing to do because I felt like it kept me from truly bonding with him. It wasn't until he was about 3 months old that I really started to think, "WOW, this is my son and I am a MOM." I let myself think of a future with R. I look back and it makes me sad that I was so distant from him, but I honestly think it was a subconscious thing.  It wasn't like I WANTED to be distant with him, but I was.  I mean I fed, changed, snuggled, played, kissed and hugged him A LOT, but it was like my heart wouldn't completely give into the love that I had for him. It is an odd feeling to try to explain. But I remember one day my heart just let go and I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for him, more so than the moment I heard him cry. And since that moment my love for that child grows each day. It is amazing how much you can love a child. 

So why am I telling you all of this?? Well, this is my story and I want people to know what I went through.  Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because this is REALLY how I felt and I don't want people to run away from how they feel. I also want people to know they can come to me with their happy moments, but also their sad moments. I don't want people who have experienced a miscarriage to feel alone, because they aren't. Some people can't talk about it or don't want to talk about it, but that isn't me. I would gladly talk to anyone about my experiences. And that is why I am telling you this. Postpartum depression is a real thing and it can be hard to deal with along with a newborn, so please feel free to talk to me if you can't talk to anyone else, I HAVE BEEN THERE!! I may not have been through everything you have, but there is a chance I can relate or at least be the shoulder you need to lean on. It is just another part of my journey and it will go with me every where I go. And if I can help just one person then sharing this story is worth it ALL. 

So where does this leave me now?? Well we would like to have another baby. Once again we aren't preventing and nothing has happened, but it will. And if it doesn't, then it isn't part of God's big plans for us. I have R so I can't really complain. I would really like for R to grow up with at least another sibling, but if that isn't in our future then that is okay because God has some other plan for us and R. Will I be nervous if I get pregnant? YOU BET!! But I will do my best to remember that every child I carry deserves my full love and heart. I will do better about giving him/her my full heart and not holding back, but it will be hard. Those sad days don't just disappear and they are apart of me.  

Do I wish I would have never had those miscarriages? Yes and No. The pain (emotional) was pretty horrible and I wish I wouldn't have experienced that, but with those miscarriages came positive things. Jed and I got closer and closer with each one of the miscarriages, we learned A LOT about one another during those times. I learned that I can handle some pretty extreme pain (miscarriage #2 was incredibly painful).  I also learned that my family is ALWAYS there for me. I knew this before, but the support I got from them made all the difference and they really helped me move forward. My mom listened to me cry many time and she cried with me many times and every time she mad me feel a little bit better, I can't thank her enough! It makes me appreciate the miracle of any birth, all babies are a miracle.  I have been able to help other women who have gone through similar experiences. These lessons or reasons may not make up for not having those other two children here in my arms, but like I said in my Abby post, at least I can walk away with some positive thoughts on the whole thing. I love those children just as much as I love R, but they have taught so much more than I could ever imagine and I am thankful for that. 

This will probably be my last post about miscarriage, but if you or anyone else has experienced this and needs someone to talk to please don't hesitate to contact me. I am always happy to talk to someone about this stuff. I think it helps me keep their memory alive and that their short presence in my life worth more than just a bad memory. 

I hope everyone is having a good week and I love all the positive comments I have received. Thank you for sticking with me this week. I know this is a fitness blog, but this is something that I needed to express. Enjoy this awesome weather and if you have a child please give that baby a hug and kiss because they truly are a miracle. They might be a pain in your butt, but they are still a miracle :) 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

After the miscarriages

Well now that you know what happened in each miscarriage let me tell you how I handled those miscarriages.

HORRIBLE!! I was so mad and angry.  I was not only mad at God, but I found myself mad at the random lady at Wal-Mart that was pregnant. I avoided pregnant people like the plague. There were very FEW people that I was actually happy for. And those people were mostly other people who had trouble getting pregnant or people who had miscarriages before (which to be honest were people that I met through the Internet).  I stopped seeing one of my close friends because she had 2 babies and every time she was pregnant I had been pregnant and lost my babies, but she had very healthy babies.  I couldn't figure out why God didn't want me to have my babies, but my friend had NO problems.  Did God hate me?  What did I freaking do wrong? I can't explain to you how angry I was. I stopped talking to God all together, we pretty much didn't have a relationship.

Jed had a hard time after the second miscarriage.  It didn't help that during my second miscarriage I was in SOOO much pain that I told him that I was done and that we would have to adopt if we ever wanted to have children. A few days after the miscarriage Jed broke down and we got to talking and I told him that we would try one more time. I knew emotionally that I could not be that woman that experienced 7 miscarriages hoping that #8 would be the lucky one.  I just knew that I couldn't handle that.  But I could try one more time. The doctor's said that the 2 miscarriages were not linked together, that the first one was just a normal miscarriage (and natures way of preventing the child from having a hard life if he/she would have been born or me carrying to term and it not making it through the delivery) and the second one was due to an infection. I had to tell myself this over and over again as we decided to move forward.

Also let me tell you, that I HATED hearing "well everything happens for a reason." It got to a point where I stopped talking about the miscarriages because people would say that to me and I would want to punch them. I would like to know what the reason is for taking my babies away from me. I know that people were trying to be nice, but this really isn't a great phrase to use. I didn't like hearing it when Abby died either. It seems like people use that phrase when they don't know what to say to you, but are trying to make you feel better. So tread lightly if you are going to use this phrase with someone that is mourning a loss.

After a while I ended up going on some anti-depression medication because I was having a hard time getting up in the morning and enjoying my life. At first all I wanted to do was wallow in my misery and hold on to my  depression.  If I was sad then it was my weird way of hanging on to my baby. I know that sounds crazy, but I didn't want to be happy. If I was sad then I wouldn't forget him. I ended up talking to my priest and he helped me out a lot. Although I will say that I was pretty surprised when he said that I was the first person he had talked to about miscarriage. He said that he knew of women who had experienced the same loss, but other than that he hadn't really met with them one on one. He said that helping me helped him understand more what these other women went through. He was grateful for me to open up to him.

I ended up decorating a box for my second miscarriage and put things in there that people had gave me once they found out I was pregnant.  I figured that the things in there were for that child and not the child I would have down the road. I didn't want any other child to have those things, those items were his. We buried that box at the cemetery and I went there often to visit that spot.  We had a little ceremony for him and I read a poem to him. Then the priest blessed the box and we buried it. It was very emotional, but I needed it.  I just didn't want him to be forgotten or that he wasn't important to us.

After the ceremony I still was angry with God and I was still avoiding pregnant women or women with babies. Every person that called to tell me that they were pregnant was like taking a knife to my stomach.  I was happy for them to an extent, but I was so sad for myself. I tried SOOO hard to just be happy for them, but I couldn't help it. It hurt too bad. So I would end up avoiding them. There was a group of women that were all due around the same time I was, August, September, October, November, and December (I was December), I avoided these women like they were the plague. They all had what I wanted and what I should have. One of my good friends was October and I completely let that friendship slip.  I was very lucky that she understood and after I was pregnant with R she started to call again and make herself more present (I know she knew why I couldn't be around her, there were no words that needed to be exchanged, but I am so glad that we are friends again.) But it makes me sad that my anger and sadness kept me from some of my friends, that doesn't make me a very good friend. But as hard as I tried, I could do it. I just couldn't and I'm so sorry for hurting anyone during this time, but my heart hurt too bad.

After the first miscarriage I forced myself to go see my friends new baby in the hospital and I was honestly happy for them, but once we got home I broke down and started to cry.  Jed hugged me and said, "It isn't like they won and you lost, you will have your baby one day."  But that is exactly how I felt, they won and I lost. And why did they win and why am I sitting here crying? I asked WHY so many times. Thinking back to it, it makes me mad. It was a waste of time.  I am NEVER going to know why those babies didn't make it.

After Abby died people asked the same question, "Why?" and I got to thinking about this one little word. I mean I was the Queen for asking this question. What good does it do to constantly ask this? It doesn't, it is just normal. But then I thought about this, if God answered this question then would it make you feel better? I mean if God came to me and said that my babies were needed to be angels to protect other babies, would this make me feel better. Maybe, but maybe not. I was selfish and I wanted those babies with me. Why did he put me through the pain?  Well, maybe because he knew I could handle it and that he knew Jed would stand beside me through it all. Someone told me they thought I was incredibly strong for living through what I did and I thought they were crazy.  What choice did I have? I was dealt some shitty cards, but you have to keep playing. But maybe I could have given up.  Maybe I could have not reached out to my local priest and just let the depression eat me up. Maybe God knew I would reach out to our local priest and help him understand what a woman goes through during a miscarriage and he can help other women going through the same thing. There are a million reasons "why" God could have made me experience these losses, but I am not sure if they really make up for me not having my babies. I am not mad about it any more, but I find myself not wasting my time asking "why" any more because the answers may not be good enough. I will know the answers when I am in heaven and until then, I have to trust they are in good hand. TRUST, what a hard word to use. But eventually I had to trust God again. And that is the day I found out I was pregnant with R. I had no choice but to trust him. I wanted to do it on my own, but deep down I knew that I would need God to help me bring R into this world. And he didn't let me down, I have a beautiful son.

But let me tell you, getting pregnant wasn't the end of my mourning, but that is for another day.  Maybe tomorrow. But let me leave you with this, you will NEVER forget your children, alive or not alive. They are with you every where you go. Miscarriages are no exception. I think of those angel babies every day. It may not hurt as much to think about them, but I think of them every day. I love them and they are some of the biggest reasons that I want to make it to Heaven. One day I will hold them in my arms and I will get to tell them how much I love them. That day will come, but until then I hold R and I tell him every day that I love him.

Seeing that smile is worth all the pain. I am so thankful that we kept trying, it was ALL worth it. I won't forget his siblings and one day I will tell him about them, but until then I will keep hugging him and giving him all the love I can!

I hope you folks have a good day!!!