Friday, April 26, 2013

Mommy guilt

So today I am going to talk about something that has been on my mind all this week and to be honest on my mind since I started going to the gym. The dreaded Mommy guilt. You all know that I am going to do the Warrior Dash this weekend and then watch the Royals game afterwards which means I will stay the night in KC and come back on Sunday morning. Well this is hard for me. I have a softball game tonight (if it doesn't get rained out) and that means I won't get home until after 8:30 tonight and then I won't see R at all tomorrow because I am leaving before he will wake up :( So today my heart just felt heavy and sad. R and I were sitting on the couch watching Chuggington (Cartoon about trains) and I felt sad because I wouldn't get the chance to cuddle with him tomorrow morning which is our normal routine on Saturday mornings. It isn't like I haven't been away from him before but it feels like since February that we have been so busy that I haven't stopped to smell the roses with R. Last week we went to the sand dunes and R stayed with my parents.  This weekend he will be with Jed and then the following weekend he will go back to Grandma's house because I am running the Color me Rad 5K and then I have our end of the season softball tournament on Sunday. You guys this is too much. It is making me sad. I know that I need ME time, but this might be too much. So after the Color me Rad 5K I am going to slow down a bit. I honestly think I am going to stop playing softball and just focus on eating healthier and working out instead of trying to fit EVERYTHING in.

This is how I feel when I plan too much shit!! This is not a pic of me btw. 

How do you handle mommy guilt? Do you have it?? Uggg, I feel like it is the worst right now. I won't give up the gym, but I know that I need to slow down.  Softball is hard to give up, but that is something you have to commit to EVERY Friday.  In the past years that wasn't so hard because that was the only night I would allow for ME. But now there is so much going on that doesn't involve R or Jed and I think I need to give up something. I will still sub for them which means I will still get to play from time to time, but not every Friday all Spring, summer and fall. And I am going to slow down on the 5K events as well.  I might just sign up for one event each month from here on out. I get so excited to do things when people ask me and then once that month rolls around and I see our calendar I FREAK out. How did I sign myself up for all this?? PLEASE DON'T STOP ASKING ME TO PARTICIPATE IN EVENTS, but just don't be surprised if I say no or consult my calendar before I yell yes!! LOL . I like being busy, but not to the point where I miss my kid.

I mean wouldn't you want to spend more time with that child?? 

I know this is suppose to be a fitness blog, but I also know that I am NOT the only mom worry about this while she is trying to get fit. It is hard to balance my time between being a mom, wife, employee, friend, family member, and MYSELF! But right now things feel a little out of balance. I know tomorrow I will have a blast, but in the back of my mind I will constantly be asking, I wonder what R and Jed are doing?? What are they eating for lunch/dinner? I hope they are having fun!  I hope R is behaving for his dad! Things like that. I know it is good for them to have father-son time, but it hard at the same time to know they are hanging out together with out me. I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I realize that this is ALL normal. And that this isn't how it is always going to be. I know it is okay for me to be gone this weekend and Jed doesn't seem to mind at all. He has been gone on the weekends while R and I stay home, but it is odd for me to be away from both of them.  I guess I always thought if I wasn't with R then I should be with Jed. I have told people this before, but I am the most comfortable when Jed is around. Don't ask me why, Jed drives me bat shit crazy sometimes, but there is something there that I find comfort in. As long as I have him by my side then I can get through anything. So it makes me a little sad that he won't be at the Dash to support me, but I also realize that I need to stand on my own 2 feet. I have been with Jed since HIGH SCHOOL, that is a FREAKING long time. And I wouldn't change that for the world, but I also rely on him so much.  I need to do somethings on my own. This weekend is one of those things. I also need to voice my opinion about hobbies that I like. Since high school I tagged along with Jed and his friends and let me tell you, we have some AWESOME memories, but with that said I didn't always participate in the things I WANTED to do because I knew that Jed would either be bored or wouldn't participate in them. I always thought I did that because I was being a good girlfriend or wife, but now I realize I was doing that because I was scared. What if what I WANTED was boring or too hard or not possible. Did that mean I was boring or too weak? Sorry I got a little too deep. But do you see where I am going with this? Even though being away from R and Jed will be hard this weekend, I know this is something I NEED to do. I NEED to stand on my own 2 feet!! Where better to do this than a freaking Warrior Dash, LOL.

I like this one because we are being goofy, which is typically how we normally are unless I am rolling my eyes at him and he is irritated at me!! LOL

These are some of my favorite pics taken of Jed and I. Of course these were ALL taken before we had R. We might need to take some more of just the 2 of us!! 

That is it from me today.  Go have a GREAT weekend. Go do something for yourself and enjoy finding a little bit more about how strong you are as a person and not as a mom, husband/wife, family member or employee!!


  1. where oh where did you get that pic of the reidster, we enjoyed him so much, I know you feel guilty but don't, did you ever stiop to think he might just need the time away from mom and dad and get spoiled alittle , that he doesn't get at all here, and you being away from him makes you appreciate what you do have , it is a win win situation, have fun, let your hair down,
    love you girl

    1. Thanks mom. I know you are right, but at times I wonder if me being gone is a good thing or not, I guess it is all part of being a mommy. I had a really good time and yes when I got home I couldn't hug him enough. I think he really liked the attention too. We had a REALLY good Sunday. :)

  2. I understand how you feel comfortable when Jed is around. I'm the same way with Johnny. I just feel like something is missing when he's not around and I get anxious. Even when I'm mad at him and don't want to talk to him, it's just comforting knowing he's just in the other room.

    1. yeah, there is just something about him being there. He called shortly after the race and I felt better. It was like I couldn't completely enjoy it until I talked to him. It was also like he knew to call me at that time too. I love that man!! :) I am glad that you have Johnny, you two really do make a good match.