Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Bad stuff happens

I want to start off this post by saying, there is nothing bad really happening in my life. But that doesn't mean that love ones aren't hurting right now or friends aren't going through a hard time. This is me reflecting on hard times in my life.

Some of you know what hard times I am talking about. Some of the hardest times in my life are dealing with loss. I don't get it, why does God take some of the most special people in our lives? Or why does he cut their lives so short? To this day I don't have the answers to those questions, but I don't dwell on them any more either.

I will give you a little bit more information on the times I am talking about.  The most recent loss in my life is my cousin Abby. My cousin Abby was beautiful, kind, sweet, and a dork. I can say that because we are/were both dorks. And I think people loved that about Abby. She wasn't like a nerd, but she was just funny and goofy and wasn't afraid to show it to people. But one of the best qualities about my cousin was that she loved with her whole heart. I really don't have anything bad to say about her and I am really trying to come up with something, maybe she had some annoying habits that I didn't know.  You would have to talk to her husband about that!! Abby was 21 when we found out she had kidney cancer. She was also about a month away from her wedding when she got the news. It was devastating. I remember crying at my desk at work when I got the news. I mean, it was Abby, she wasn't suppose to have Cancer and who gets cancer at 21? They said she needed to have her kidney removed right away and once that would happen they would either hope that the surgery would take care of it or they could see if it spread. We all prayed that she would have her kidney removed and that would be the end of this cancer business. That wasn't the case. They removed the kidney and once they were in there they could see that it had spread.  They took what they could at that moment, but they knew she would need further surgery and treatment. I don't know about the rest of my family members but I immediately got on my computer and start googling kidney cancer. Now some people want to know head on what they are facing and this is how I am, but at this particular moment, I should have waited or just not done it. I lost most of my faith in the whole process and I immediately thought the worst. I never told anyone this, but I thought she was fighting a losing battle at this point. I continued to pray and my heart wanted her to survive, but my brain was telling me to prepare for the worst. This was dumb!! I wish I could go back and tell my brain to shut the eff up! There is NO REASON why my cousin Abby couldn't have received a miracle and I should have thought that from the get go. I eventually got on board with that thought process but it took me a while.

My cousin Abby fought a hard battle and she lost.  She died pretty much a year after she found out about her cancer. It hurt, it hurt bad. I still get tears in my eyes as I write this. I wish this story had a better ending, but it simply doesn't. But what I can say is that there was SOME positive things that came out of this HORRIBLE situation. There are so many good people out there and those good people will stop and pray for you even though they don't know you. And when I say pray, they pray every stinking day for you and your loved ones.  I can now look back and see how AMAZING that is. Another positive outcome is the fact that I believe it brought my family closer to one another in some form or another. We had our arguments (disagreements might be a better word) that is for sure and we all had our doubts about what was best for Abby. But in the end, we were all hurting and could relate to one another. I saw such strength in Abby's mom and her sister. Abby's parents spent a LOT of time with her in the hospital and at a certain point Abby's mom took a leave of absence from her job to be with Abby 24/7. Abby's sister was a stay at home mom and she spent a lot of time away from her husband and child at times to be with Abby. Speaking of Abby's niece, the community also helped with her too and she loved it.  Ella (Abby's niece) got to meet some really special people in Abby's life. It is amazing how a small community can pull together to help one girl and her family. Those are the moments I try to focus on.

Some of you are going to ask, did she get married?  And yes she did, she looked beautiful on that day too. She was truly STUNNING! She got married about 2 weeks after her kidney surgery and they went ahead with the wedding they were planning on before she knew she had cancer. Abby was tired and sore at times, but she did amazing. It was a very special day. She married a very special man too.  To this day he still comes to some of our family events even though I know it can be painful for him. That boy (I call him a boy because he is younger than me, LOL) is so special to me as well. He has a big heart and gave Abby the best wedding day possible. He loved her and anyone around them knew this. They didn't get to have the typical newly wed year, but they had their good moments too. I know he holds those moments close to his heart. But what I loved about them is that Abby would still get annoyed with her husband. It was funny to watch them at times, but it also broke my heart at times too. How do you handle this in your early 20's? They did the best they could do!

So what did I learn from all of this?
1. Cancer sucks!
2. prayer is helpful and powerful
3. God has some kind of CRAZY plan for all of us
4. I personally can't dwell on the pain forever.
5. crying isn't a bad thing
6. Life can be over before you know it
7. Family can't be replaced
8 Good friends are needed for the good times and the bad times in your life
9. Laugh with your friends/family even during hard times
10. Miracles can happen

That last one is hard to think about. We didn't get the Miracle we were praying for, well I didn't get the Miracle I was praying for. But I know one occurred during Abby's passing. She went to heaven. I wanted her to stay here with us, but God NEEDED her. I just know that she is up there with all the children and animals in heaven. I don't tell myself that to make myself feel better, it is just something I feel. At one point during Abby's stay at a hospital she told my mother that she held my nephew (who was not born yet).  My mom then told me this and said that she believes that Abby wasn't holding my nephew, but that maybe she was holding my angel baby. See I had 2 miscarriages before I had R (I will write about that in another post.) and when my mom mentioned this to me, I knew she was right. After Abby went to heaven I was a little bit jealous, I knew she would be hugging my 2 angel babies before me. This still makes me cry. I can't hold the tears back when I think about this.It just gets to me. I want to Hug those babies so bad, but I know that time will come when that it is meant to be.  For now I have R's arms to worry about.

For those that are going through a hard time RIGHT now, hold on and breathe.  With time things will be a little bit better with each passing day.  Then one day it will be hard again and it will go back and forth for a while, but just know that there are SOME good things happening around you.  You may not be able to see it right now, but they are there. If you can see the good, then hold on to it and don't let go. For others it may take a LONG time to see the good, but eventually you will see it.  It won't replace the bad, the bad will always be there and it will always hurt, but the good makes it hurt not so much. The good gives you something to grin about or laugh about.

Well folks I am sorry for the novel, but this is a post I have been trying to write since I started my blog and it never came out right.  I still don't know if it is right, but it is the best I can do right now. I love my family and friends and thank you for helping me through such a hard time in my life. If you ever need someone to talk to you please know I am available.  I know that doesn't seem like much, but I owe a lot of thank yous to people who listened to me cry and complain. Talking can help. You are never alone in what ever battle you are battling unless you keep it to yourself and PLEASE don't do that.If there is anything that I learned it is that people want to help or have been in a similar situation. Take care everyone and remember the good things/people in your life!!

Abby I love you and I miss you like crazy!! Give those babies a hug for me! Put a good word in for me with the Big Guy!! 


  1. She was always like family. It just wasn't fair. I know she is up there watching over your entire family. She was easy to pray for. So beautiful on the inside and out!

    1. Thanks Teresa. She touched so many lives. It was hard to let her go!!