Change

There are two changes I want to talk/write about today.  First, I am going to weigh in on Friday's now. So I will not have a weight loss/gain for you today, sorry.  You y'all have to wait till Friday now. The second change is my body and why isn't it getting me excited?? I guess I should ask, why am I not as excited as I thought I would be. Okay let me back up a little bit. First of all I think I am a little depressed because I didn't work out for 5 days last week/weekend and so when we started up again on Sunday I felt like it was my first day doing P90X again, it was pretty depressing. Then Monday came and it was freaking hard too. So I have been regretting taking those 5 days off.  It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to take 5 days off, but that stupid cough/cold prevented me from doing it. There were a couple of nights that I put my work out clothes on to only go to bed in them. I would end up coughing and coughing to where I thought I might lose my dinner, no bueno. So I would take some cough syrup and go to bed like a good girl, but this didn't help me mentally. I was scared that I would NEVER do P90X again. Why, you ask? Because, this is typical Jessica. She gets ALL sorts of excited for something and does pretty good for a while, but then it fizzles.  It is usually something like a cough, cold, flu, injury or something that gets me out of my routine and I have a hard time getting back into the routine. But I would get use to NOT working out and I liked the extra time it allows me to watch TV, clean my house, run extra errands, read a book, all the things that keep you from getting off that couch.  So needless to say I was glad I got back on the P90X wagon, but I was upset that in FIVE FREAKING days things could change so much. Lesson that I learned from this, you CAN'T take Five days off and expect things to be the same. So what I need to tell myself is "I came back, take that as a win!" I am sure in a few weeks this will all just be a memory.

Another change in my body is that I am losing inches, YAY!! Right?!?! Yes, I am excited to be getting smaller, but it is also a little sad. I put on some work pants that I haven't worn in a while and they are pretty darn BIG and the button up shirt I am wearing use to be pretty DARN tight, but it is loose today.  All good things right?? So why don't I feel good about this?? I think it is because when I look in the mirror I don't see a difference.  I still get mad at all my in perfections. I just don't see it?? Some days I hate the mirror. The thing is, I am honestly TRYING to see the differences. The only real difference I can tell is in my arms, I have MUSCLES now!! One day I will get gutsy enough to take a picture of my "guns". LOL They aren't very big, but at least there is muscle there instead of a bunch of fat! But as far as my gut goes (my least favorite body part/section), I can't see it. And I know that it is changing because like I said my pants are almost to the point where I shouldn't be wearing them any more. I think my problem is shopping!! Yes I said it. I don't want to go shopping because I am scared that I will go there and the next size down won't fit.  I am so scared that all these changes are just in my head. And yes I have had people tell me they can tell that I have lost weight, but it just isn't sinking in. My husband has told me he can tell a difference, but I still think people are being nice. UGGGG why can't this particular part be easy?? Why do I have to be such a whiny girl about this?? I know people who have bought a goal outfit or jeans  and put them near their treadmill so they can see what they are working towards, but I can't even do that.  Why?? Because I am scared I won't get there!!! STUPID, I know!!

Another reason I think this is bothering me so much is because I keep asking myself, "why did I let myself get to this point?" And yes this point isn't near as bad as it could have been, but I look at how I have been living and the life I had before I started P90X.  I feel so much more alive now than I did before I put the 1st disc of P90X in.  I want to do more and experience more. But I also have known for A LONG time that I wanted to lose weight so why did I wait so long or why did I get to this point? And I'm not going to blame pregnancy because I lost all that weight fairly quick to only gain it back. But why didn't I do something before I got pregnant? Yes changing my life style is hard and P90X can be hard, but it wouldn't have been as hard if I had only done this sooner.  I know it isn't healthy to dwell on this, but I found myself asking this the last couple of days. Probably because I realize after 5 days how hard it was to jump back into working out. Had I only continued to be healthy after our wedding I wouldn't be in this boat.  Do you know I was running 6 miles at a time by the time I got married, why did I stop?? I know that life can get in the way of things, but my health should have NEVER taken a back seat to the rest of my life. Don't let this happen to you!! Do whatever you have to do to be healthy and stay healthy. PLEASE, for my sake and for yours.

 So as soon as I hit the publish button on this post I am going to stop complaining about this. I am going to take this problem by the horns and just deal with it. This afternoon I am going to go shopping. Wish me luck. I hope that I don't come out of that dressing room crying, but something has to be done with these pants. It sad when your dress clothes make you look like a frumpy mess. And please don't think I am asking for sympathy because that isn't what I am trying to get out of this. This is all part of my journey so therefore it needs to be on this blog. I know I am not the only one out there with these issues. FEAR it is a real part of weight loss. I wish it could be all smiles, but it isn't.

On a positive note I have A LOT to look forward to this week/weekend!! I have a Jason Boland Concert on Thursday night (I am so freaking excited about this!!), Friday is the beginning of softball (I am more excited about this as it gets closer and closer), Saturday I run in my FIRST 5K (I am VERY nervous about this since I haven't ran in a while!!), and Sunday is Easter and we will be going to Great Bend to see my family (this is ALWAYS a good thing!!). Lots of good things to look forward to, which I can't complain about!! :)



This is the 5K I will be running in this weekend!! 

Thanks for being here for me, I always feel better after I blog about these silly thoughts and feelings. If a friend told me she was having these thoughts and feelings I would tell her to hold her head up high and be proud of the things she has accomplished and not to dwell on the things you can't change.  You can't change the past, all you can do it go forward and take the things you have learned with you. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to look forward to things that I haven't yet accomplished and enjoy the things that I have done!! And for crying out loud I am going to go buy some new pants!! Enjoy the rest of your week folks!!