Friday, January 31, 2014

The What ifs.......

I am the queen of What Ifs......... I am sure you know what I mean. For example, I remember asking "What if I wasn't so jealous, then maybe my boyfriend wouldn't have dumped me." Or "What if I had been more girlie, then maybe he wouldn't have dumped me." These are questions that I asked myself shortly after my 1st boyfriend and I had broke up.  I was heart broken and at the time, I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. Oh, of course, I wasn't REALLY in love with him and later on I would realize why we broke up, but at that particular moment, the What ifs flooded my head.

The What if game really got to me when I had my two miscarriages and if you know ANYONE who has had a miscarriage I am sure they have gone through the same thing.  What if I had drank more water OR What if I rested more. etc. etc. I mean I thought about the What ifs for a LONG time and I still do to this day.  My big one is, "What if R is truly a miracle and we can't have any more kids?" It could be true. But at the same point, what good does do to dwell on these questions?

Well the other day I thought of something and it really seemed to change things for me. What if I could TRULY love myself, the way I am right now!! People this question truly changed things for me. So then I went further, What if I could let go of my insecurities? WOW, life changing.  Why is this so life changing??  Well for me, the What if game has always been about negative stuff and stuff in my PAST.  And now I'm asking the same question but in regards to my future and positive things. I felt like I was on cloud nine when this all came to me. I felt like I found the secret to my life. I felt like I found the secret to MY happiness. Now it has only been about 24 hours since this all came to me. So who knows in a month I may be singing a different song, but I really do think this is a game changer for me.

So what does this have to do with YOU?? Well for years I have read motivational tid bits and they all made sense, but they never HIT HOME.  For some people just saying, "I can do anything I put my mind to" is enough to get them going, but for me it wasn't.  So what do you think your moto/slogan/motivational phrase is?? You might be in the same boat as me? Yes, I know I can do anything I can put my mind to, but how on earth do get my mind in the game? Or Just keep swimming, well that is all fine and dandy, but I am not a swimmer (and yes I know what they are getting at) and now I want to watch Finding Nemo and now I'm wondering if they are ever going to make another Finding Nemo movie (which I think they are). But do you see what I'm saying here. These things didn't work for ME.  For a lot of people they did work.  I needed something different. Maybe you need something different. We are not all cut out of the same cookie cutter. So what works for one person or what gets them up in the morning isn't going to get you up or me up.

So what have I done with this secret to my happiness.  Well not a lot, so far. I have been eating better and honestly since thinking about all of this, eating healthier is easier.  NOT EASY, but easier. I got my butt to the gym this morning because I WANTED to be there. Before I went to the gym I was having this conversation with myself and it went something like this:

AT 4:38 a.m. alarm goes off for the millionth time
Good Jessica: Get up and let's go to the gym

Bad Jessica:  ummmm, I'm pretty tired, so let's go back to bed and get our 8 hours of sleep :)

Good Jessica: But you really like this class at the gym, come on lets go

Bad Jessica: ummmm, I'm pretty tired, so let's go back to bed and get our 8 hours of sleep :)

Good Jessica: NO!!!!!!! Please get up and let's move, you will feel better after you have gone to the gym!

Bad Jessica: ummmm, I'm pretty tired, so let's go back to bed and get our 8 hours of sleep :)

And then finally Bad Jessica said something else "We can work out tomorrow!!!!"

Ding Ding Ding!!! Good Jessica then replies "What if you go to the gym this morning, what will the rest of your day be like??" And finally the Bad Jessica voice fads away.

Okay, I'm not crazy, please tell me you have had these conversations in your head!!!

But seriously this got me to the gym this morning.  And today, I'm pretty darn tired and now I have a horrible cough (thank you R) and I'm seriously just trying to make it through the day, but I am also incredibly proud of myself for going to the gym even when I didn't feel like it. I went to the gym for myself, so I would feel better later.

The old Jessica would have gone back to bed. I didn't sleep that well last night, mostly because I was in the beginning stage of this cough.  But you know what? I got up to go to the gym with less than 6 hours of sleep.  A freaking miracle if you ask me. In the past, that would not have happened.

So now I'm doing this, to keep the momentum going:
I am going to keep putting stuff in there as little thoughts come my way.  I want to keep this going, I don't want to let myself down. I'm worth achieving my goals!! And for once I truly mean that last sentence.

I ate this for lunch yesterday.  Notice there is NO salad dressing on it. That is a first for me. I NEVER thought I could do that, but I did.  And Guess what?? It was good. It wasn't over the moon AMAZING, but it was good. Not only was it good, but I knew it was going to do good things in my body once I ate it. I couldn't eat it all, so for lunch today that is what I had as well.

This is me after I ran my 3 miles yesterday.  It was easier than it was to run my 2 miles on Tuesday. .

This is what my scale said today:
That is down 4 pounds from 2 weeks ago. I will TAKE IT!!! And I'm really hoping to see it continue to go down, but until then I think I'm going to enjoy the ride. What if I truly love myself, right now??? I hope this journey helps me answer that question, but I know the fact that I am asking it, is helping me find the answer already and making it more likely to happen.

Don't let the What ifs eat you up, change it around! Make those What ifs work for you! Or ditch the same ole slogan and find your OWN! Find something that works for YOU! I am not the most positive person when it comes to myself, but I'm turning that around. I want/need to be able to make myself happy. And I want to believe the compliments that I get from people. Because up until yesterday, if you said I looked nice, I would politely say thank you, but I didn't believe them. I would say "Oh she is saying that to be nice." Or "Maybe she should clean her glasses!!" I didn't believe it.  But guess what, I'm done saying that. What if I believed all the positive stuff people said about me as much as I believe all the negative things people say??

What are your What ifs?????

HAve a good weekend folks. The nice weather is gone, so stay inside and cuddle with the ones you love, including yourself.

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