If you are reading this it is because I was brave enough to hit the publish button. YIKES!
I can't sleep, it is 1:23 a.m. and I am WIDE awake. I took some tylonal PM an hour ago and yet, Mr. Sandman has not met me. UGH. I hate when I can't sleep, I get annoyed and then it makes it even harder to sleep. I know that tomorrow is going to be a rough day and I think the stress of all of this makes it even harder to fall asleep.
So What am I thinking about as EVERYONE in my house is sleeping. I am thinking that if I write, then I can free my brain of some of the stuff rolling around in my head and then just maybe I will be able to sleep.
Today while listening to Katy Perry's ROAR, it hit me. I carry around a lot of guilt. Not for one certain thing, not for something specific, but generic things. For example, I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like I should be doing more for R. Don't get me wrong, he has clean clothes, food on his plate, and a place to call home, but I feel like there is so much more that I could or should be offering. And not material things, the kid has enough toys. It is more like love and attention. I tell him that I love him and I give him hugs daily, but yet I feel like that isn't enough. DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE???
Oh but wait, it doesn't stop there. I feel like a lousy wife most of the time too and a horrible friend. I
mean, how can I possibly be that bad at all the important things in my life? And now, we can add, a horrible blogger. I probably won't post this post because I have this horrible feeling that most of you are thinking that I am searching for compliments and that isn't the case. The thing is, people tell me good things all the time. I AM JUST TOO HARD ON MYSELF? Why are we so critical of ourselves?? We should be our biggest supporters and best friends, but I find myself sabotaging myself.
So why do we do it? I have no freaking idea. Maybe I am the only freak out there that is so darn hard on myself. Where did these expectations come from? Who said I had to be mother of the year? or Wife or Friend of the year? I guess I see these people and they have all their shit together and I wonder, "Why can't I be like that?" Why can't my house be as clean or as organized as Jane Doe's house? Why can't I have the patience of Jane Doe? How could I possible forget Jane Doe's birthday? CRAP!!! And there are a million excuses for everything, but there are just those people who seem to be able to do it ALL and why the hell can't I be that person too? And on top it, those people are freaking smiling all the time and happy go lucky. Those people make me sick and yet I want to be those people. So it is settled, I am the sick one.
So you want to know the real crazy thing. If any one of my friends came and told me all of this. You know what I would tell them?? Stop being so hard on yourself. You ARE NOT PERFECT! and if you could look inside those "perfect" people's lives, you would find out they aren't so perfect or happy? And I would list off some of the things that I admire about that person. And here is the real kicker, I believe all the things I tell that person. I honestly see all those characters in that person. I don't like to lie to people, especially when I am talking about the good I see. I want that person to see all the GREAT things I see. So why can't I see all the good things in me? There are some good things, I know it! But why do I focus so hard on all my failures.
I have struggled with this blog lately because I feel like such a failure in the weight loss department. so how can I get on here and tell you guys what I am doing is doing any good. It isn't. I feel like I am treading water. I know what I need to do, I just can't seem to do it. Or I can't seem to commit 100% to it. I think I am honestly scared of failing, AGAIN! But I also realize that being scared doesn't get you ANY WHERE in life.
So from here on out, I am going to work REALLY hard on letting go. I am not going to focus on what I did wrong or what I should be doing, I am going to look at all the good things I did. Even if it is getting ONE load of laundry done or getting to work on time. For heavens sake, at least I did ONE thing right.
So there you have it. A look into my soul. You now know what keeps me up at night. And I'm hoping that once I am done with this post, I will be able to find some rest. Because God knows, I deserve a good nights sleep. You know why?? I made it to work on time today and there was food on our plates tonight and the dishes are done!! Good night folks, this girl is going to get some beauty sleep.
PS. I am going to hit the publish button without going back to read my post. Don't be too harsh!!! I know if I go back and re-read it then I won't hit the publish button. But I am hoping that I am not the only crazy one out there, that someone can relate to me.