Monday, July 15, 2013

Your worst critic

I have been struggling lately and it is ALL mental. I haven't been eating as well as I would like and I haven't been pushing it at the gym as hard as I should. And for those reasons I have been really hard on myself. I have gained about 2 pounds (not a big deal, actually I have been fluctuating from 168-170), but obviously I would like to see it go down. And it isn't really even the number that is bugging me, it is that I am letting myself down. I have some seriously big goals that I would like to achieve and I AM not going to achieve them by sitting on my ass eating bon bons. Okay, I have never had a bon bon, I don't even know what they are, but you know what I mean. I can't sit around expecting myself to improve when I am doing nothing to help myself improve.

With that said, I have also had a couple of other things on my mind. There is one thing in particular that has been on my mind and I'm just going to say it, it has almost been a year since my cousin Abby died. I try my hardest to NOT get emotional about it or cry about it, but Gosh Darn it, it is getting to me. Right now, I have tears in my eyes and I'm trying really hard to push them back. Some of those horrible feelings that I felt shortly after she passed is rearing its ugly head again. I keep wondering, Why isn't she here?  She was so freaking sweet and AWESOME, seriously God why couldn't she kept doing her work here? I know the answer to this, God needed her else where, but What about us?? We need her too.

My cousin Abby LOVED horses. Our neighbors own horses (for those who don't know this, we live in the country) and they normally ALL stick together. Well lately there has been this one horse that hangs out by itself and I can see it from my kitchen window when I am doing the dishes or cleaning up. I get very choked up when I see this horse because it reminds me of ABBY EVERY TIME I SEE IT!!  I miss her terribly and that damn horse isn't helping things. I mean it is the same horse every time, it isn't one of the others and it seems so sad just sitting there by itself. I really just want to go out there and pet him/her and be near it, but that can't happen. UGH, I really hate that horse.

Also my son is one of the most awesome people I know, but he can also be a handful, I mean what toddler isn't. But when he gets into one of his moods or throws his temper tantrums I feel like I have failed him. Like there is a way I can better help him and help him express his anger/sadness/frustrations, but in the end I have to just let him work it out. This is hard for me. And I'm struggling with it.

There have also been a couple of other things on my mind that I don't want to dive into. They are REALLY personally and I am not ready to share that info on the blog. I am sure at some point down the road I will share it.

So things aren't always so bright and wonderful. Things get me down and I have let these get me so down that I have gone back to old habits which means eating stuff that isn't so great. So what am going to do about all of this. Well to be honest there aren't a lot of answers. I am going to let myself be sad for Abby (or myself because I miss her, she is probably have a ball up there!!) and I am going to work on being as patient as I can for R. For the other personal things, there is one thing I can do and I just need to DO IT.  I am also going to let God handle some of this. I will do what I can, but the rest I am giving to him. I can't control EVERYTHING and I NEED to let him handle some of this. I think I also need to get my running shoes on and just freaking run. I did NOT run this weekend and I think that is partially why I feel out of sync. We had visitors on Saturday and then Sunday we had rain and a CRAP ton of traffic down our dirt roads so it was NOT safe to run.  Yes I could have ran at the gym, but to be honest it would have NOT helped me clear my mind. Running on a treadmill is work to me, not lethargic. I hoping soon I can lace up those shoes and go for a GOOD run, I NEED it.

I hate to be such a Debbie Downer today, but this is how I am feeling today. I hate SUGAR coating things. I basically just wanted you to know that not everything is perfect in my world. Maybe I am writing this to remind myself to let go of the things I can't control. Writing this post has actually helped me more than I thought it would. Sometimes just talking about stuff makes me feel better. What do you do to relieve stress or clear your mind??

I am going to leave you with some of the cutest pictures.
He is way too cool for a being 2!!!! 

He is growing up too fast! 

These pictures make me smile and I hope they make you smile too!! Have a good week! 

1 comment:

  1. Chin up girl! You are awesome! We all get sad sometimes let yourself do that. Then pick up and get started again. I bet your cousin doesn't want you to be sad. But the human part of us has such a hard time letting go sometime. Get on that running business and get your hind end to the gym! I got a reality check last night and the best thing for me this morning was going for my personal trainer appointment