Pregnancy after 2 miscarriages

After we lost the 2nd baby, my heart was really broken. I remember that Christmas thinking I should have 2 babies and I had none. I was really sad that Christmas, I felt empty.  Christmas is such a fun time and I honestly was looking forward to having a child to celebrate Christmas with and yet, we didn't have any children, I wasn't even pregnant. It was probably the hardest Christmas of my life and yet I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to be sad.  I mentioned something to Jed and he did his best to cheer me up, but he isn't a big holiday person (unless it is 4th of July) and so he was trying, but he really didn't know what to do.  I appreciated his efforts, but I was still sad.  I did my best to be happy, but it was mostly for show.

Then came January and the beginning of a new semester. I was going to make this year a good year, I wasn't going to be sad any more and I was looking forward to graduating that spring.  I was busy and I liked it that way. Then on January 21st I realized that I was a day late.  I debated on taking a pregnancy test because I HATED seeing a negative result. Do you know how many of those "not pregnant" pregnancy tests I have seen. THEY SUCK AND MANY TIMES I CRIED AFTERWARDS!! So I wasn't sure if I was ready for another negative result. Plus it was my mom's birthday and my parents were coming to town to go dancing at a local country music bar and I didn't want my fowl mood to dampen their spirits because God only knew how I would handle another negative result. I finally decided to take one because I wanted to have a few beers while I was at the bar and I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking if I didn't take that darn test. So I took it and it came up POSITIVE!! Holy crap!! I was so freaking excited, but fear instantly set in. But then I told myself this, "I loved my other 2 babies so why not love this one, doesn't he or she deserve at least that?" So I let myself be happy. Jed was out of town that day for work, but would be back later that night. I called him on his way home and I told him the news, I couldn't hold it in. He was so excited and you could hear it in his voice. Then when he came home he gave me the biggest hug, but we decided to not say anything to my parents that night. We wanted to take things slow and wait until we were further along this time. But we were glowing the whole night!

The following Monday I had to go to the doctor's office because I was under strict orders to come into the office once I was pregnant again, so that is what I did.  They took my blood and I remember her coming in and saying that I was in fact pregnant, but that my hormone levels were lower than she would like to see. So I started to prepare myself for the worse. She had me come in every other day to draw blood to keep an eye on my hormone level and once it got to a certain level we could have an ultrasound done. I honestly didn't think that was going to happen, but I was trying to be hopeful. Then on the 3rd day of drawing blood she said that my hormone level was high enough and that we could have an ultrasound. I remember going to that appointment and being scared shitless because I didn't know what we would see. But there it was, a heartbeat and a little bean. I was so stinking happy.  I thought, well we are doing better than my first pregnancy already. We walked out of the office and I was beaming, but Jed was very straight faced.  I remember saying, "well at least there is a heart beat," and he said, "well we have been here before." I could tell he was worried. I don't know if he was more worried for the baby, himself, or me. It had to be hard to be him at that moment. He didn't want to lose the baby any more than I did, but I also knew he didn't want me to be sad either and he didn't want to be sad either. So many emotions that day.

So we took it week by week. And finally around week 10 we started telling people. We had another ultrasound done and everything was looking good. I was taking it REALLY easy, I stopped doing somethings at work because I was worried what ever I did that Friday at work before my second miscarriage caused the whole loss (it wasn't, but I was a little irrational with this pregnancy). I remember telling people we were pregnant and they were happy for us, but you could tell they were thinking the same thing we were. Is this one going to make it?? We had SEVERAL ultrasounds and I went into the doctor's office every 2 weeks instead of every 4 and then at 12 weeks we heard the baby's heart beat with the fetal heart beat monitor. It was a great moment, but then I decided I needed to buy a monitor off of Amazon.  and I liked it but I was never 100% sure if I was using the darn thing right. So I would usually freak myself out and then end up going to the doctor's office and they would find the heart beat for me. They never treated me like a crazy person and they were so nice about it. I was probably in there at least once a week. I would have had an ultrasound once a week if they would have let me, but that wasn't going to happen.

So the whole first trimester and part of the second trimester I was still in school.  I had one more semester left and I would be DONE! So I had a lot to concentrate on, but in the back of my head I kept preparing myself for a loss (by the way, you can't prepare yourself for a loss, you just can't!) So I would keep my excitement to a minimum and I wanted to get past that dreaded 14 week milestone. And we did!! At 15 weeks I could breathe a little easier, but I was still worried. Then at 20 weeks came our gender ultrasound and GRADUATION! All in one week. That week we found out we were having a baby boy!!

Then I had my graduation and my party.  We had so many people show up and I felt so blessed. I remember being that happiest I had been in a LONG time. It felt like things were finally falling into place.

We had so much fun that night.

Let me note that I was the D.D. that night. LOL But I still had a blast, good friends, good food, good music, and A BABY IN OUR FUTURE (hopefully)!! 

I was pretty detached for most of my pregnancy.  I would let myself get excited when I talked to people, but in the back of my head I kept telling myself that this baby wouldn't make it.  I had a first trimester lost and a second trimester loss, so I am sure I am doomed to have a 3rd trimester loss or lose the baby during delivery. I mean we still did the typical stuff most parents do.  We got the baby's room ready and we register for the baby showers and we talked about names, but you could tell the both of us were both pretty reserved about the whole thing.

 Jed was more reserved than I was. But I was the one who could feel the baby move, he couldn't feel that well not until later and even then it seemed like the baby never really moved that much when Jed was around. Jed did great with me though, he was there for every appointment that I asked him to be at (let's be honest ladies, some appointments we don't want them there for) and made it to ALL the ultrasounds. During the last few weeks he even made me dinner so I could rest in the evenings. He rubbed my back every night and just took really good care of me. He really is a GREAT husband and daddy. 

This is me a few weeks before my due date. 

I ended up being induced on the day before R's due date.  The day we went into the hospital I remember thinking, well this is it, I won't be pregnant anymore regardless if we walk out with a baby or not. Isn't that sad?? I mean I was excited about having a baby, but I was also very aware of the idea that we may not have a baby to bring home. I didn't say this to anyone, but it is what I thought.  Even during labor I thought, well this might be the moment when I lose the baby. HORRIBLE, I know!! So when the doctor mentioned having a C-section because the baby wasn't wanting to come out and that his heartbeat wasn't slowing down when it should, I told her that I would be more than happy to have a c-section if that meant I would be holding my baby soon. So that is what we did.  And a half an hour later I was holding my beautiful son. I remember hearing him cry and that being the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I said that about the hearing the heart beat of baby #2, but once you hear that cry, all your dreams really do come true!! 

I will say that I was stinking tired though. He arrived at 2:49 a.m. and I had pushed for several hours before that time. So I was about to pass out, but Jed was so thrilled and he wouldn't leave R's side. When they took R to get cleaned up Jed was so torn between going with R or staying with me while they sewed me back up. I told him to go, I didn't want R to be alone, he needed his daddy. And since that moment Jed has been a GREAT dad. He was more than happy to change R's diapers when I couldn't because I couldn't get out of bed because of the c-section. I will say that I bounced back pretty quickly so there was maybe only 6-8  hours were Jed HAD to change his diapers and then after that I could help out. But he was so stinking happy to change those diapers and anything else that needed to be done with that child. He honestly hasn't changed much.  He doesn't jump for joy when R needs a new diaper now, but he will change them. Jed is really a GREAT father and R is really lucky to have him as a dad. 

After we came home from the hospital (we were there for about 5 days because R had really bad jaundice and needed to be monitored) I got a little depressed and I was scared.  I hate SIDS, it shouldn't exist. I thought for sure that I would go check on R and he wouldn't be breathing and that would be that, another loss. So even after R was here, my heart was still on the defense and wanted me to stay a safe distance from completely loving this child. I KNOW HORRIBLE!! But it was my way of protecting myself. This wasn't the best thing to do because I felt like it kept me from truly bonding with him. It wasn't until he was about 3 months old that I really started to think, "WOW, this is my son and I am a MOM." I let myself think of a future with R. I look back and it makes me sad that I was so distant from him, but I honestly think it was a subconscious thing.  It wasn't like I WANTED to be distant with him, but I was.  I mean I fed, changed, snuggled, played, kissed and hugged him A LOT, but it was like my heart wouldn't completely give into the love that I had for him. It is an odd feeling to try to explain. But I remember one day my heart just let go and I felt this overwhelming feeling of love for him, more so than the moment I heard him cry. And since that moment my love for that child grows each day. It is amazing how much you can love a child. 

So why am I telling you all of this?? Well, this is my story and I want people to know what I went through.  Not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because this is REALLY how I felt and I don't want people to run away from how they feel. I also want people to know they can come to me with their happy moments, but also their sad moments. I don't want people who have experienced a miscarriage to feel alone, because they aren't. Some people can't talk about it or don't want to talk about it, but that isn't me. I would gladly talk to anyone about my experiences. And that is why I am telling you this. Postpartum depression is a real thing and it can be hard to deal with along with a newborn, so please feel free to talk to me if you can't talk to anyone else, I HAVE BEEN THERE!! I may not have been through everything you have, but there is a chance I can relate or at least be the shoulder you need to lean on. It is just another part of my journey and it will go with me every where I go. And if I can help just one person then sharing this story is worth it ALL. 

So where does this leave me now?? Well we would like to have another baby. Once again we aren't preventing and nothing has happened, but it will. And if it doesn't, then it isn't part of God's big plans for us. I have R so I can't really complain. I would really like for R to grow up with at least another sibling, but if that isn't in our future then that is okay because God has some other plan for us and R. Will I be nervous if I get pregnant? YOU BET!! But I will do my best to remember that every child I carry deserves my full love and heart. I will do better about giving him/her my full heart and not holding back, but it will be hard. Those sad days don't just disappear and they are apart of me.  

Do I wish I would have never had those miscarriages? Yes and No. The pain (emotional) was pretty horrible and I wish I wouldn't have experienced that, but with those miscarriages came positive things. Jed and I got closer and closer with each one of the miscarriages, we learned A LOT about one another during those times. I learned that I can handle some pretty extreme pain (miscarriage #2 was incredibly painful).  I also learned that my family is ALWAYS there for me. I knew this before, but the support I got from them made all the difference and they really helped me move forward. My mom listened to me cry many time and she cried with me many times and every time she mad me feel a little bit better, I can't thank her enough! It makes me appreciate the miracle of any birth, all babies are a miracle.  I have been able to help other women who have gone through similar experiences. These lessons or reasons may not make up for not having those other two children here in my arms, but like I said in my Abby post, at least I can walk away with some positive thoughts on the whole thing. I love those children just as much as I love R, but they have taught so much more than I could ever imagine and I am thankful for that. 

This will probably be my last post about miscarriage, but if you or anyone else has experienced this and needs someone to talk to please don't hesitate to contact me. I am always happy to talk to someone about this stuff. I think it helps me keep their memory alive and that their short presence in my life worth more than just a bad memory. 

I hope everyone is having a good week and I love all the positive comments I have received. Thank you for sticking with me this week. I know this is a fitness blog, but this is something that I needed to express. Enjoy this awesome weather and if you have a child please give that baby a hug and kiss because they truly are a miracle. They might be a pain in your butt, but they are still a miracle :) 

After the miscarriages

Well now that you know what happened in each miscarriage let me tell you how I handled those miscarriages.

HORRIBLE!! I was so mad and angry.  I was not only mad at God, but I found myself mad at the random lady at Wal-Mart that was pregnant. I avoided pregnant people like the plague. There were very FEW people that I was actually happy for. And those people were mostly other people who had trouble getting pregnant or people who had miscarriages before (which to be honest were people that I met through the Internet).  I stopped seeing one of my close friends because she had 2 babies and every time she was pregnant I had been pregnant and lost my babies, but she had very healthy babies.  I couldn't figure out why God didn't want me to have my babies, but my friend had NO problems.  Did God hate me?  What did I freaking do wrong? I can't explain to you how angry I was. I stopped talking to God all together, we pretty much didn't have a relationship.

Jed had a hard time after the second miscarriage.  It didn't help that during my second miscarriage I was in SOOO much pain that I told him that I was done and that we would have to adopt if we ever wanted to have children. A few days after the miscarriage Jed broke down and we got to talking and I told him that we would try one more time. I knew emotionally that I could not be that woman that experienced 7 miscarriages hoping that #8 would be the lucky one.  I just knew that I couldn't handle that.  But I could try one more time. The doctor's said that the 2 miscarriages were not linked together, that the first one was just a normal miscarriage (and natures way of preventing the child from having a hard life if he/she would have been born or me carrying to term and it not making it through the delivery) and the second one was due to an infection. I had to tell myself this over and over again as we decided to move forward.

Also let me tell you, that I HATED hearing "well everything happens for a reason." It got to a point where I stopped talking about the miscarriages because people would say that to me and I would want to punch them. I would like to know what the reason is for taking my babies away from me. I know that people were trying to be nice, but this really isn't a great phrase to use. I didn't like hearing it when Abby died either. It seems like people use that phrase when they don't know what to say to you, but are trying to make you feel better. So tread lightly if you are going to use this phrase with someone that is mourning a loss.

After a while I ended up going on some anti-depression medication because I was having a hard time getting up in the morning and enjoying my life. At first all I wanted to do was wallow in my misery and hold on to my  depression.  If I was sad then it was my weird way of hanging on to my baby. I know that sounds crazy, but I didn't want to be happy. If I was sad then I wouldn't forget him. I ended up talking to my priest and he helped me out a lot. Although I will say that I was pretty surprised when he said that I was the first person he had talked to about miscarriage. He said that he knew of women who had experienced the same loss, but other than that he hadn't really met with them one on one. He said that helping me helped him understand more what these other women went through. He was grateful for me to open up to him.

I ended up decorating a box for my second miscarriage and put things in there that people had gave me once they found out I was pregnant.  I figured that the things in there were for that child and not the child I would have down the road. I didn't want any other child to have those things, those items were his. We buried that box at the cemetery and I went there often to visit that spot.  We had a little ceremony for him and I read a poem to him. Then the priest blessed the box and we buried it. It was very emotional, but I needed it.  I just didn't want him to be forgotten or that he wasn't important to us.

After the ceremony I still was angry with God and I was still avoiding pregnant women or women with babies. Every person that called to tell me that they were pregnant was like taking a knife to my stomach.  I was happy for them to an extent, but I was so sad for myself. I tried SOOO hard to just be happy for them, but I couldn't help it. It hurt too bad. So I would end up avoiding them. There was a group of women that were all due around the same time I was, August, September, October, November, and December (I was December), I avoided these women like they were the plague. They all had what I wanted and what I should have. One of my good friends was October and I completely let that friendship slip.  I was very lucky that she understood and after I was pregnant with R she started to call again and make herself more present (I know she knew why I couldn't be around her, there were no words that needed to be exchanged, but I am so glad that we are friends again.) But it makes me sad that my anger and sadness kept me from some of my friends, that doesn't make me a very good friend. But as hard as I tried, I could do it. I just couldn't and I'm so sorry for hurting anyone during this time, but my heart hurt too bad.

After the first miscarriage I forced myself to go see my friends new baby in the hospital and I was honestly happy for them, but once we got home I broke down and started to cry.  Jed hugged me and said, "It isn't like they won and you lost, you will have your baby one day."  But that is exactly how I felt, they won and I lost. And why did they win and why am I sitting here crying? I asked WHY so many times. Thinking back to it, it makes me mad. It was a waste of time.  I am NEVER going to know why those babies didn't make it.

After Abby died people asked the same question, "Why?" and I got to thinking about this one little word. I mean I was the Queen for asking this question. What good does it do to constantly ask this? It doesn't, it is just normal. But then I thought about this, if God answered this question then would it make you feel better? I mean if God came to me and said that my babies were needed to be angels to protect other babies, would this make me feel better. Maybe, but maybe not. I was selfish and I wanted those babies with me. Why did he put me through the pain?  Well, maybe because he knew I could handle it and that he knew Jed would stand beside me through it all. Someone told me they thought I was incredibly strong for living through what I did and I thought they were crazy.  What choice did I have? I was dealt some shitty cards, but you have to keep playing. But maybe I could have given up.  Maybe I could have not reached out to my local priest and just let the depression eat me up. Maybe God knew I would reach out to our local priest and help him understand what a woman goes through during a miscarriage and he can help other women going through the same thing. There are a million reasons "why" God could have made me experience these losses, but I am not sure if they really make up for me not having my babies. I am not mad about it any more, but I find myself not wasting my time asking "why" any more because the answers may not be good enough. I will know the answers when I am in heaven and until then, I have to trust they are in good hand. TRUST, what a hard word to use. But eventually I had to trust God again. And that is the day I found out I was pregnant with R. I had no choice but to trust him. I wanted to do it on my own, but deep down I knew that I would need God to help me bring R into this world. And he didn't let me down, I have a beautiful son.

But let me tell you, getting pregnant wasn't the end of my mourning, but that is for another day.  Maybe tomorrow. But let me leave you with this, you will NEVER forget your children, alive or not alive. They are with you every where you go. Miscarriages are no exception. I think of those angel babies every day. It may not hurt as much to think about them, but I think of them every day. I love them and they are some of the biggest reasons that I want to make it to Heaven. One day I will hold them in my arms and I will get to tell them how much I love them. That day will come, but until then I hold R and I tell him every day that I love him.

Seeing that smile is worth all the pain. I am so thankful that we kept trying, it was ALL worth it. I won't forget his siblings and one day I will tell him about them, but until then I will keep hugging him and giving him all the love I can!

I hope you folks have a good day!!!

Mother's day and all that it means to me.

I hope all you mothers out there had a FABULOUS day. And I hope that all of you took a moment to tell your mothers happy Mother's Day.

The best part of my weekend was playing with R at the Park on Saturday.  It was an unexpected trip to the park, but we had fun. He is at the age where he really wants mommy or daddy to play with him and do the things he is doing.  So I got to go down the slide with him and really just play with him.  There were A LOT of smiles and laughter. It was nice to slow down and just enjoy my child!

Mother's day in the past has been a hard day for me. The last couple of years not so much, but I am reminded that I am missing 2 children. I mentioned that I had 2 miscarriages before in a post but I haven't gone into depth about it. Well I will do that today because I want them to know that even though I am incredibly blessed to have R in my life I still miss my other 2 babies.

My first miscarriage was a year and half after we got married. When we found out we were pregnant it took us by surprise.  We weren't really trying, but we were preventing either.  We knew it could happen, but I was starting to think we would have issues having a baby because we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. So when it happened I was really excited and Jed was just surprised.  It took him a little to absorb the information, but he was happy by that afternoon, in fact we had a wedding to go to and he kept telling me he wanted to shout out loud that I was pregnant, but I wouldn't let me him.  I remember thinking back at that moment and where we were at in our lives and our relationship  it makes think about how young we were.  None the less, we loved this baby. I knew from what I had read that at 12 weeks the chances of the baby going to full term was higher than from weeks 4-11. Well week 11 had just begun and I remember thinking, we are so CLOSE to week 12. That afternoon I went to the bathroom and things were NOT right. I freaked out and called the doctor's office. The doctor's office tried to tell me that what I was experiencing was normal, but I knew something was wrong so I told them I would feel better if we did an ultrasound.  So they sent me to the ultrasound tech.  Jed met me there and I remember thinking that I am going to look like an idiot if everything was fine, I had dragged Jed out of work to go to an ultrasound that wasn't necessary. But as the Tech was looking at everything she said that things didn't look right. She asked how far a long we should be and I told her 11 weeks and she said that things were not progressing like they should be. She then sent us to the doctor's office for the final word. I was 11 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stop progressing at 5 weeks and there was NO heart beat. My heart sank. He told me that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. ONE IN THREE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, why is this the first time I had heard this statistic? I was mad and sad all at the same time. I mostly wanted to know Why had this happened to me? As we were walking out of the office we saw a very young girl with a big ole pregnant belly and her boyfriend sitting beside her and all I could think was, why couldn't that be me.  I wanted my baby and you could tell they did not! So why me.

I struggled after the miscarriage.  I had A LOT of anger towards God and I couldn't figure out why he didn't let me keep the baby. As far as I know I was the first of my friends to have a miscarriage and it was hard to talk about it.  I mean I talked about it, but it felt like people didn't understand where I was coming from. And they didn't, but I kept talking about it because it was the only way that I felt a little better. I think I talked about this miscarriage until people didn't want to be around me any more.  Jed got mad at me one day and asked me "when are you going to get over this?" And I remember being mad at him because I felt like he was the one person who should understand how I felt.  But to be honest, he didn't. Most men don't. It took me a while to understand this. So after that I stopped talking about it as much and I tried not to show my true feelings.  I would be lying if I said that things got worse after bottling it all up, but to be honest things got a little easier with each day.  I never forgot it, but I knew that I needed to move forward. Also let me add, that I can understand why Jed said what he said.  I was basically just letting myself dwell in this depression and I wouldn't want to be  married to someone like that either. He didn't know how to handle this situation any better than I did.

So with each month things seemed to get a little better. We talked about getting pregnant again, but Jed wanted me to finish college (I had gone back to school after we got married) and logically that made sense, but in my crazy mind I thought I could do both.  So I would get upset when he mentioned this, but he was right!Then about a year and half after the first miscarriage I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. Although Jed wanted me to be done with school when we had a baby, he was pretty darn excited about it this time, especially from the moment he found out.  At the same time we were both really reserved about it. But at the same time I kept thinking "this can't happen twice, right??" The doctor was great with us and knew that I would be a mess with this pregnancy and I was a little bit. But like I said before, I really didn't think it could happen again. We made it past our 11 weeks and I could breathe a little better.  Then we made it past 12 weeks and this is when we really started to tell people. I felt like everything was going to be perfect this time and come December we would have a baby!! I remember thinking about my finals that semester and that it might work out pretty good to finish my finals and then have a baby shortly afterwards, I mean this is going to be perfect. Well come week 14 I started to feel some back pain, but I didn't think much of it. I left work and went home, but as I got closer to home the worse it felt. So as soon as I got home I laid down and took some Tylenol. Jed came home and rubbed my back and it was starting to feel better.  The next day my parents were coming to Salina and we were all going to the River Festival. We went to the festival and I had to take several breaks because my back was bugging me. I also started to spot that day, but I was in such denial that I just chopped up to what they tell all pregnant women that it was normal to have a little spotting during pregnancy.  That night I took it really easy and went to bed early.  The next morning I woke up and I was still spotting. So I finally called the doctor and they told me to go to the ER and have them do an ultrasound. So Jed and I went and had an ultrasound. At this point I thought history was repeating itself. But to our surprise the doctor announced, "There is the heart beat!" OMG that is the heart beat!! It was beautiful. If I wasn't in love with this baby before I am now!! We could see the profile and he looked like he was praying. He was beautiful, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen before. It was simply amazing!! She printed off a picture and sent us on our way with A LOT of hope.

Once we got home I started to get REALLY cold and tired. So I stayed inside cuddled up in a blanket and napped off and on during the day. That night I went to bed early so I wouldn't be tired for come Monday morning. I woke up around 10:00 p.m. and my pants were all wet. WTH?? I know I didn't just pee the bed. UGGG!! So I go to the bathroom and get all cleaned up and things just didn't seem right. So I called the doctor again and she said to keep an eye on it and if I did it again or things got worse to go to the ER again. I go to bed and Jed woke me up at 11:00 to see how I was doing, he had just finished working on some project out in the garage. Once I woke up I realized my clean pair of pajama pants were wet AGAIN!! I told Jed to get changed because we were going to the ER again. That was one of the worst nights of my life. When I was checked in my temperature was 98ish degrees and I told the lady that was high for me, that I am normally at 96ish. She didn't listen to me. I get put into a room and told that a doctor would come look at me soon. Well between then and an hour my fever really started to spike and I started to hallucinate. I ended up getting really mad and using the phone on my bed to call the nurses station and yell at them because I had been there for 4 hours without any one looking at me. Jed told me shortly after I hung up that we had only be there an hour. He thought this was funny because I tried to convince him that I had been watching the clock on the weather channel on TV, he told me that we hadn't been watching the weather channel for that long. He didn't realize that my fever had gotten so high either, but once the doctor came in they said it was pretty high and that they needed to get it down. All it took was some Tylenol and some water to get that baby down, but then they put me through the ringer to figure out what was wrong with me. They kept trying to tell me that I had peed the bed and that is where the water/pee came from. I knew that wasn't the case because as I was laying in the ER bed the moisture was building up and I was NOT peeing at that moment. But you know how pregnant woman are is what they kept telling me. I promised them I was not peeing the bed. I asked them if they could do another ultrasound and they said no because I had one earlier in the day. So at 5:00 in the morning they sent us home with no answers. They told us to wait until 8:00 and call my ob/gyn. I did that and she saw us immediately and sent us to get another Ultrasound.  This time things weren't so good. We saw the heart beat (yes!!!), but then sac around the baby was not what it should be. My water had broke the night before. So what does that mean?? Well the doctor called me immediately after our ultrasound and said that I could terminate the pregnancy or wait it out, sometimes the sac would seal back up and the fluid will refill. Well I just saw the heart beat so termination isn't going to happen. The doctor agreed and said that I would need to be on bed rest until things got better.  So I went home and stayed in bed and Jed went to work. That day wasn't bad, but the next morning I woke up and things seemed worse. so I called the doctor yet AGAIN and went in to see her.  The doctor examined me and said that things actually looked better and that I seemed to have stopped leaking fluid which I thought was a good thing. So we did another Ultrasound and this time there was no heart beat. My heart sunk again. How could this happen again? I just saw him the day before and he had a heart beat and 2 days ago he was moving around. How did I fail again?  I know that isn't logical to think like that, but I couldn't help it.Once again I asked the Doctor what had happened and all they could say was that I had an infection and that caused my water to break. I felt so guilty afterwards, I kept thinking I should have been more careful.  Looking back there was NO WAY to know where I got that infection and no way of preventing it. It was what it was.

I can't write much more than this right now. On Wednesday I write what happened next and how I moved forward after the loss of baby #2.

What to write when you have nothing to write

What does a blogger do when they have NOTHING to write about??!?!? Well I just don't write. LOL Well that is what I did on Wednesday. I tried writing 3 different times and it came out all preachy and weird. I have my favorite blogs that I read and on some of them they had some negative people commenting on their stuff and I'm just grumpy about that. PEOPLE, BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER! I tried to write a whole post about this, but what it boils down to is that there are mean people out there, don't let them ruin your day or the things you love. If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all!! Who wants to read a whole post about that?!?!? yeah not me.

The other lame posts I tried to write about, well I don't honestly remember. So I am pretty glad I didn't hit the publish button on those suckers. So what on earth am I going to write about today??? hummmmm................

Well I went to the gym, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then I took a freaking break on Thursday and I felt like a loser. Yep, I should have just gotten my tired butt to the gym and did SOMETHING!!! Instead I went home and was all grumpy. I honestly tried to work out once I got home, I really wanted to run outside with R in the jogging stroller, but this is what really happened:

 I got home and then I couldn't find the jogging stroller. I sent Jed a text and asked him where it was and he replied with, it is in the barn, not the garage. So I change and headed out to the barn with R. We get out there and the barn is locked, WTF?? Who locks a barn?? Well I guess we do now. I went back into the house and looked for the key, couldn't find it. My blood is starting to boil now. I call my husband and he tells me where the key is at. Okay we are back on track folks!! Oh crap, where is R? Yeah he was missing for about 30-45 seconds. I freaked out and then quickly found him in the front yard. Whewwww. we are okay. Go to the Barn with the key and R this time and locate the jogging stroller, Holy Crap this might happen!! Get R situated in the stroller and we are off, WAIT!!! the tires are flat. HOLY MOLY, REALLY?!?!? I just want to run!!! So I take the stroller over to the air compressor and I am determined to figure that sucker out. I find the spot where all the air compressor components are located and find one that looks like it will fit and get the job done. Fast forward 5 minutes and I am about the throw the whole damn stroller in the lagoon. UGGGGG!!! Stupid air compressor, stupid flat tires, stupid stroller, stupid barn, stupid key, stupid afternoon of NOT running.

Point of this story??? Go to the freaking gym. LOL okay not really. But I think God was telling me to take the afternoon off and I should have just let it be. I get so discouraged at times and I really need to work on just letting things go. Letting go of things is not my best attribute. Have I mentioned that I cry every time we sell one of my vehicles or ATVs. Yep, I get emotional and I can't let go! Well I do eventually, but it takes me a little bit.  Everything has a memory to it and I have a plan for everything. So if my plan doesn't go accordingly I get pretty darn pissed! Ask my husband. So I am either crying like a baby or turning into the incredibly hulk.

This is how I looked when we sold our first Honda. People I thought the world was going to end!! LOL (oh did I mention we sold it so we could get a better car, yeah I might be crazy!)

Arrrgggg. Where is the jogging stroller & why is the barn locked!!! (I swear that is what he is saying!!)

So this afternoon I am going to attempt to run outside with my friend at a park. Let's hope it happens, I don't want to turn all green at the park and rip my clothes, that will be the fastest way to clear out a park.  Nice visual, I know!! Have a good week and try to let things go!! Oh also be freaking nice to one another! 

OH YEAH AND HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! I know I am a few days early, but I don't blog on the weekend (or on Wednesdays apparently). It should be nice weather in KS so go do something outside. My momma will be in the wonderful state of Colorado enjoying her vacation, your welcome Joy. Okay, I didn't give her a Colorado vacation, but I allowed her to go. Okay that isn't true either. To be honest I didn't get her anything, but she told me NOT to get her anything. Don't worry folks, I will come up with something.  But the rest of you folks, go get your momma something nice or at the very least call her and wish her a happy mother's day, JUST DON'T FORGET ABOUT IT COMPLETELY, that is just mean!! 

Color Me Rad 5K

Well I ran in my 2nd 5K this weekend and it was a GREAT time. I ran in the Color Me Rad 5K in Wichita KS.  It was not a timed run so I have no idea how fast or slow I ran the thing, but I ran the whole thing and I was not last. A win win in my book!! Did I mention that is was freaking cold too.  It was only 48 degrees, but that stupid wind made it feel like it was in the 30's. And then it would sprinkle on us from time to time.  So needless to say the weather was NOT cooperating with us, but we still managed to have a GREAT time.

This is what I looked like before the race.

This is what I looked like afterwards. 

This place was crazy, but so much fun.

I want to add that this was my friend Rachel's first 5K.  She has been doing the couch 2 5K program.  The furthest she had ran on this program was 2 miles, but she did awesome on Saturday.  She ran the whole thing and only stopped for a few seconds to get sprayed with color. If you wanted to get sprayed with color you had to slow down or completely stop.  We had to stop a few times, but it was only for a few moments. I was so proud of her for running the whole thing. 

And this is what I looked like at Buffalo Wild Wings. We didn't clean up before heading into the restaurant and I felt kind of bad about it and then when we walked in there were other  runners from the Color Run. :) 

So after we got back from Wichita, I took a nap!!! I was stinking tired, but once again it was from lack of sleep the night before because I was freaking out about getting up early to meet up with Rachel. After my glorious nap I got up and got myself ready.  

That is much more appropriate for the public. I promise I don't run around with mud or multi-color powder all the time, only for special occasions. 

Then I took it easy the rest of the night. R was with my parents since I had to get up early again on Sunday and go play softball. And Jed had gone to the sand dunes on Saturday and I have no idea of when he would be coming home so R got to spend another lovely weekend with my parents. So that night I decided I would try a new recipe that I have been wanting to make.

that is all it took to make some really yummy dip!! 

For a 1/4 cup of the dip it is only like 105 calories and it was YUMMY!! everyone who tried it yesterday couldn't believe that it was so low in calories. I found the recipe here Here. Then I brought baked Lays potato chips and some pickled Okra.  So really I didn't do all that bad on Sunday, but then there was one down fall, BEER!! I consumed a lot of it.  So the calories I saved by eating healthy I made up for in drinking. Oh well. At least I didn't eat unhealthy crap and drink all in the same day, see I am making progress :) 

Well that is all I have for you folks. I hope you had a good weekend and your week goes smoothly. I am planning on spending the whole next weekend with Jed and R.  NO PLANS, other than to cuddle with my kiddo!!  Don't forget next weekend is mother's day!!

The journey

Today I was not sure what I wanted to write about.  My scale is making me mad. Any given moment I weight 175, 173.8, 171.  Seriously my scale sucks right now and I am in need of another one. This morning I saw all three of those numbers. So I am not sure what I weigh to be honest. STUPID SCALE!

who cares, my scale is all effed up any ways!! 

So needless to say I was grumpy this morning and felt a little defeated. I mean what the hell am I doing all of this for?? My stupid scale isn't moving and this week I have felt exhausted, so really what am I doing this for??  But then I thought about the Color Me Rad 5K that I am running tomorrow and I thought that is why I am doing all of this.  I can run 3 miles on any given day. Yeah you read that right.  On Wednesday I ran 3 miles and I could have ran more but I ran out of time (like that pun!). I have NOT ran 3 miles non-stop since my 5K at the beginning of April.  So I know I am doing something right. This journey isn't all about pounds and inches.  It is about achieving things I didn't think I could do. I ran my first 5K and did my first Warrior Dash all in one month!! I am doing my 2nd and 3rd 5K this month and plan on running 5 miles in June/July. I also committed to doing a Tough Mudder with my cousins (let me remind you that it is 10-12 miles of hard/crazy obstacles).  So yeah I am moving in the right direction.  I may not be moving as fast as I want to be, but at least I am still moving!! I am enjoying life. These are all things that I have wanted to do but didn't because I was either scared or didn't think I could do it. Some days are better than others, but in the long run this is all for a great cause.

Tomorrow I have the Color Me Rad 5K and it is going to be cold and possibly raining.  Normally this would be a reason for skipping it. But to be honest the cold and the rain aren't going to scare me this time.  I know it is still going to be a GREAT time and I am looking forward to it.  This is another change I have made, I stopped making excusing for not doing things. I registered and I am going to run this sucker. Before I would just say, ehhhhh they can have my money, I am not going to run in the rain and cold. But the rain and cold is what makes this a challenge and a memory you won't forget. So I will be there tomorrow ready to run this sucker with my friends and family.

So this is why I am doing all of this. Because it is a life style change and not a diet. I may not be at my goal weight yet, but I have met some pretty awesome goals already. I will have some bad days, but over all I am pretty happy with myself. Who cares what that scale says?? Well I do, it helps me stay accountable, but it isn't the only thing that makes me happy on this journey.  Yes losing pounds feels pretty darn awesome, but pushing myself to another limit feels pretty darn awesome too. Constantly challenging myself feels pretty darn awesome as well. So I am going to move forward and keep working towards ALL my goals.

Today is a win for me. Normally when I would get this depressed I would just quit and go have a candy bar or something unhealthy, but today I will eat my banana and think about the race I am going to run tomorrow and know that I can finish it!!

I am also doing it for this little guy. I want to be around to see all his smiles!! I want to make memories with him!! 

How do you get past your bad days?? Do you have family/friends to help you get through them??If you want some motivation or help getting past those days please let me know. We can help each other get through them. We can do this!!! I am much more positive when it comes to other people, but in the end I know I can do this too. Let's do this together!!

I hope you all have a good weekend folks. I know I will even if the weather is crappy and cold. I will be outside enjoying MY life. I only have one life, I might as well make the best of it!!

Also, thank you all for the prayers for my friend and her husband. I am hoping that next week I  will have some good news to report to you.  He is finally off his medication and is slowly making progress.  He still hasn't woke up, but he is getting there. So keep praying, it is WORKING!!! Thank you!!

Stupid KS weather and a prayer request.

Well, It is Wednesday and it is gloomy outside, :(  This makes me a little sad especially since we might get snow tomorrow.  Doesn't Mother Nature know that is MAY and that snow right now would be ridiculous. Okay I am done with that rant.

I said I would talk about the Royals game and I will do that now.  I had a good time. I was stinking tired, but I pulled through. I drank my monster energy drink that they gave me at the Dash and had some delicious beer. yummmm!!!

See I am holding a yummy beer. Oh and I am with my cousin and her good friend Ali. :) 

That is us at the game. 

I finally got to play stump, it was fun but a little scary. Good times though!!

I had a good time, but it was too cold and I was tired.  I think next time I won't try to pack so many activities in one day.  I need to enjoy each one individually. I think I can do it all in one day and I can't :( unfortunately I am not Superman.  I say superman because I am not a fan of Superwoman, I think she is kind of lame. But Superman on the other hand, well he is just freaking awesome. 

I am glad they invited me to the game, it was really was a good time, but next time I will be in better spirits!! 

So This weekend I have the Color Me Rad 5K in Wichita, KS.  I am really looking forward to this, but the weather there is not looking so hot. The high is 50 degrees and windy, BOOOO!!! Seriously Kansas, can you give me one nice day when I have a fun run. The one bad thing about the Dash was the weather so I was hoping the weather this weekend would be AWESOME for this run, well I guess that isn't going to happen.  But I am going to go and enjoy the heck out of it. I mean doesn't this look like fun?

I also decided that I want to run the 5 mile run before the River Festival here in Salina.  Anyone want to join me?? It is on June 8th and it begins at 7:00 a.m. I need to up my distance of running and that isn't going to happen unless I start scheduling some further distance races. I think I am signing up for a 5 mile race in July too, I think Caite and I are running in that one together. I think if I can run up to 5 miles then I can make a decision about running a half marathon at some point in my life.  But I need to get to that 5 mile mark first. 

Well that is all I have for you folks. I hope you have a Wonderful Wednesday and let's hope the snow stays away!!

Oh yeah, I really would appreciate any extra prayers you can spare for my friend Janee' and her husband Chuy (Jesse). Chuy had a heart attack this last weekend.  I still don't know all the details yet, but I know he needs your prayers. They have a child that is younger than R and I know that he still needs his daddy(to be honest there is never a good age to lose your dad, but to live most of your life without one seems too sad and hard). So if you have extra time or remember, please say a little prayer for this family. Like I said in my Abby post, those prayers can be very powerful. Thank you!!!